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WASHINGTON, D.C. – In their first update in nearly two years, the American Taxonomy Society (ATS) has placed arthropods under their own genus, formally renaming them Bromo sapiens.

“There’s no doubt if Carl Linnaeus was alive, he’d have a tear in his eye, even though orthopods don’t cry,” explained Amanda T. Phylum, President of the ATS. “Orthopods can be proud: they are the first specialty in modern medicine to have their own binomial nomenclature.”

Orthopods are interesting creatures: they are brilliant yet use primitive tools, they walk upright in a bipedal manner yet grunt often, and they fully communicate yet their documentation shows only rudimentary mastery of the English language. It is this interesting dichotomy that led Phylum and her team to consider them as something different altogether.

“It is an honor to be the first Bromos, something in our hearts we’ve always known,” said newly-appointed Bromo sapien Dr. Brock Hammersley, who does admit that “sapiens” has one more syllable than he’d like. “And this binomial nomenclature that you speak of, is that a medical problem? Maybe I should consult Medicine?”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.