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PHILADELPHIA, PA – A malpractice suit probably isn’t very far around the corner for neurologist Brady Callahan, who attempted to elicit deep-tendon reflexes from his clinic patients today using a 16 oz. steel curved claw hammer recently purchased from the Home Depot.

hammer
Okay, now relax, just relax…

“Let’s check your patellar reflexes,” Callahan told his patient whose face was painted with fear.

“OWWWWWWWW!!!!!” screamed the patient.

“Wow, markedly hyperactive,” replied Callahan.  “4+.”

“I’m going to your triceps reflex now,” Callahan told his next patient, visibly trembling.

“ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” the next patient bellowed.

“Everyone’s been brisk today, weird,” Callahan typed into his progress note, as his second patient also went straight to orthopedics.

“As part of your genital exam, I will now perform what is called the cremasteric reflex,” Callahan explained to his new patient.

“Doc… Doc, uhhh, what you doing with that heavy-duty hammer?!” the new patient asked, deeply apprehensive.

The scream that emanated from the physical exam room brought the entire clinic to an eerie standstill.

“Normal contraction, good!” Callahan told his new patient, passed out on the floor in the fetal position, hands cradling his genitals.  With the help of a few techs, the new patient was whisked to urology clinic.

“I always thought the standard reflex hammer was always so flimsy,” Callahan told Gomerblog, showing us the inside of the garbage can where his old reflex hammer lies.  He picks up his favorite new yellow toy.  “But this?  This is the real deal.  No equivocal findings on exam.  If anything, this always elicits intense responses, it’s pretty amazing.  Want to give it a try?”

This Gomerblog author fled the clinic in a conscientious effort to protect his extremities and genitals.  This Gomerblog author also feels for any patient that had an anal reflex tested by this neurologist.

In related news, all of Callahan’s patients are currently undergoing orthopedic or urologic surgeries and are expected to not only recover but find a brand-new neurologist as well.

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    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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