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CDC Recommends Washing Hands for 30 Minutes Before, After Each Patient Encounter

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ATLANTA, GA – Stating that health care professionals can do more to prevent the spread of germs, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) recommends that health care professionals wash their hands for at least 30 minutes before and after every patient encounter.

The CDC prefaced the recommendation after observing that health care professionals wash their hands less than 50% of the time they should, and that 1 in 25 healthcare-associated infections occur as a result.

“Hand hygiene is of utmost importance but we also want to be respectful of our very busy hospital staff, which is why we decided against washing one’s hands for 60 minutes before and after every patient encounter,” explained the CDC Director with clean shiny hands, Robert R. Redfield (RRR). “But 30 minutes? We can all do that and we must do that.”

Assuming health care professionals can meet this bar by the end of the calendar year, the CDC will likely up the ante in 2020 by recommending every health care professional gets autoclaved before and after every patient encounter.

The Infectious Diseases Society of America (IDSA) applauds the new CDC recommendation, despite the fact applauding is making their raw but microorganism-free hands quite painful.

For everyone used to humming “Happy Birthday” twice based on previous handwashing guidelines, the CDC now recommends humming Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.

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    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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