Breaking: Patient with Paper Cut Made DNR

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MIAMI, FL – Telling her patient that death is imminent in these situations, a palliative care nurse practitioner has made his 24-year-old healthy patient with a paper cut DNR, and preparations are being made to send her to inpatient hospice.

“There are so many serious medical conditions out there, but it is well-known to all of us that paper cuts are the worst. But all that matters now is we’re all here for her,” explained palliative dare nurse practitioner George Shires, still holding the unafflicted left hand of Belinda Jones. “Isn’t that right?”

Weak, Belinda managed to nod her head in agreement. She looked chronically ill, emaciated. The life has been taken from her eyes. She was 24, but she looked 94. And all because she forgot to lick her finger before flipping through a magazine. It turned into a massacre. Her right hand now was all but dead and necrotic.

Jones called EMS who promptly arrived to find her in a state of emotional and hemorrhagic shock. She was received in Trauma Bay 1 of Miami Medical Center. Despite a team of ER personnel and trauma surgeons laboring over Jones’ fatal injury for 18 straight hours, ER rightly called Palliative Care to assist.

“We couldn’t let her spend these last moments on Earth in tremendous pain,” Shires continued, adjusting Jones’ Dilaudid PCA pump. “This is worse than stepping on a stray Lego piece with bare feet.”

Shires told Gomerblog that paper cuts have a kill rate of 100%. Jones has declined intubation for airway protection, which is in keeping with her goals of care.

Jones hopes to be transferred to inpatient hospice within the hour where she will be surrounded by family, friends, and all the support she needs, including a small Band-Aid strictly for comfort measures only.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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