WASHINGTON, DC—Mrs. Beaumont came home early one day last week and walked in on her 50-year-old husband sucking on the nipple of a gorgeous and engorged woman a quarter century younger than him. But instead of getting angry, she just smiled and latched on to the woman’s other breast. This was no kinky ménage-a-trois; the Beaumonts were just really, really hungry.
This exact scenario is playing out all across America, just weeks after Jerome Adams, the Surgeon General, shockingly advised a generation of Americans who were formula-fed as babies in the 1960s and 70s to immediately begin a year of exclusive breastfeeding. These citizens, now middle-aged, were born at a time when formula was king and thus missed out on the plethora of health benefits—including prevention of all sorts of illnesses—gained from nursing. Promisingly, a new study has concluded that it’s never too late to attain the health benefits from breastfeeding, leading to the new recommendations.
“Of course, we aren’t suggesting 45-year-old men and women should get nursed by their mommies,” continued Adams, before quickly apologizing for even mentioning such a disturbing mental image and offering to pay for vomit-cleanup bills.
More acceptable breastfeeding options include hiring lactation prostitutes (“pay-for-lait”), like the Beaumonts have done, hiring wet nurses (costlier than prostitutes) or being nursed by a female partner.
Melissa Milkman, who recently delivered twin boys, complained, “Between the twins and my husband, there’s not enough milk or boobs to go around. The three of them are always fighting for access. I need a 3rd one for sure!”
But it’s not just men who need the nutrients from breastmilk—formula-fed women need them too. Thus, many couples have been started on prolactin therapy so that they can produce enough milk for each other. One such couple called it “an intoxicating bonding experience like no other.”
Not everyone is pleased with this new policy, though. Because people searching for breastmilk have stopped going out to eat, restaurants are suffering; that is, except for Hooters, whose waitresses have been serving up their boobs for years.
Also not pleased are people unaffected by the new policy; they are nauseated by the public displays of lactation. Even Nestle, a company that once controversially marketed its formula as superior to breastmilk, has had enough, proclaiming, “Please, for the love of God, mothers of the world: Breastfeed your infants!! No more formula…just nurse your babies so we don’t have to relive this nightmare again in 50 years!”
