Yesterday in a stunning revelation, the CDC released a report which predicts that by the year 2050 the entire global population will be over the age of 65.
“We were flabbergasted and checked our calculations five times,” said epidemiologist Jerry Atrick. “But based on the falling birth rate in industrialized nations, increasing infant mortality in developing nations, and an increasing worldwide lifespan due to medical advances- there is no doubt that the world will be inhabited entirely by elderly adults within the next thirty years.”
At their celebratory party, the American Association of Geriatricians issued this official statement: “We look forward to providing holistic and patient-centered care for the entire world, we also look forward to moving from one of the lowest paying specialties to the top of the food chain. Suck on that pediatric interventional radiologists!”
In anticipation of this change in customer demographic, infant formula maker Mead Johnson announced it would be slowly cutting back on its specialty formulas and rolling out a new line of “Enfamil Silver” geared toward geriatric consumers. New products will include “Prune Flavored High Fiber”, “Salted Caramel Prostate Health”, and a potential blockbuster “Mango Palliative Care with extra fentanyl”
The hardest hit professional society, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) announced it would rebrand itself to the “American Association of Retired Pediatricians” AARP in order to compete with the powerful geriatric lobbying group: the AARP.
AAP president Dr. Prie Mee said in an interview “In order to adapt to this stunning announcement, we are not just changing our name to match another similarly named group geared towards old people who are no longer useful to society, but also adapting our medical terminology: for example the traditional Tanner staging of 1-5 will be replaced by Tanner stages 6-100. Another example of our adjustment includes changing our “Bright Futures anticipatory guidance resource” to the “Dark Evenings end-of-life discussion guide”
Neonatologist Priya Tirm had this to say, “I am not worried at all, after all, a common adage in pediatrics is that “Adults are just big infants”. For example, while moonlighting at urgent care yesterday I saw an elderly gentleman for ear pain. We typically dose amoxicillin at 90 mg/kg for otitis media, so for this 200 kg portly gentleman- that came out to roughly 18,000 mg of amoxicillin daily. He walked out of there a satisfied customer, I think I handled that really well.
