ATLANTA, GA – The Centers’ for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued an unprecedented late-breaking public announcement on the novel COVID-19 coronavirus outbreak:
COVID-19 is a respiratory disease, with illnesses ranging from very mild to severe. Most of the cases are very mild and asymptomatic – with older people and those with severe underlying health disease like heart disease, lung disease, and cancer – at higher risk of severe illness. In order to facilitate widespread transmission to make this problem go away, we recommend discarding your masks, not washing your hands, and licking a stranger on your way home from work today… Now, of course, please ensure that the stranger is: (1) not elderly and (2) not immunocompromised. This global effort will ensure that the disease rapidly spreads in the appropriate populations so that we can focus on other media hysterias in the United States.
In response to the CDC recommendations, Diane Goodspeed, a mother of two in Atlanta, has decided to host a large gathering of her friends and family to celebrate the response #lickastranger.
“I remember the chickenpox parties of my elementary school years,” Diane told Gomerblog, who is drinking lots of water to keep her tongue extra moist. “Our parents identified children in the neighborhood with the illness and then we all got together for sleepovers! We all got chickenpox and went on with our lives!”
In a similar manner, Eric Hammond, an undergraduate at Emory University has fully embraced #lickastranger.
“I am just so relieved that all of our campus activities have been reinstated,” Hammond confessed. “Sure, I’ll be sure to stay away from my sick grandfather, but I’ll be first in line to lick the mats at my CrossFit studio. I just want to be able to study abroad in Italy this summer, and this is the first step towards that.”
This CDC announcement is the latest in the fight against the “public health emergency of international concern” as declared by the World Health Organization. The CDC will be posting appropriately evidence-based licking protocols within the hour.