ATLANTA, GA – In updated guidelines just published on its website, the Centers of Disease & Prevention (CDC) strongly recommends against rolling around naked for hours on end with any patient testing positive for coronavirus no matter how much you want to or how good it might feel, Gomerblog reports.

“We want to be clear: yes, wash your hand with soap and water for at least 20 seconds, but no: do not immediately take your clothes and personal protective equipment off and get intimate with a coronavirus-positive patient,” said the CDC in a written statement addressed to both health care professionals and the nation as a whole. “Pressing your naked body against a coronavirus-positive patient and then rolling around carefree for a blissful eternity may increase your risk of catching the virus. Even if your body says yes, say no!”

The Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) has been updating its website in real-time to provide health care professionals and the American public up-to-date information on the novel coronavirus as it is learned. It has been a source of crucial information and today’s announcement is no different.

The CDC also wants to remind health care professionals that when face masks, surgical and N95 masks, isolation gowns, and gloves inevitably run out that does not suddenly make it okay to jump on a coronavirus-positive patient and “get it on like Donkey Kong.”

“Be smart,” said CDC Director Robert R. Redfield, who has been washing his hands with soap and water for the past 47 minutes with only 13 more to go. “If this were a zombie apocalypse, you wouldn’t go making out with a zombie, now would you?”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.