COVID-19: House Relief Package to Provide Billions & Billions of Dollars of Toilet Paper

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Shortly after President Trump declared a national emergency due to COVID-19, the House of Representatives passed a bill in a vote of 363 to 40 that will provide much-needed relief to Americans in the form of billions and billions of dollars of toilet paper. The bill goes to the Senate next week.

This despite the recent announcement that toilet paper has tested positive for coronavirus.

“Time is of the essence but it’s not about identifying coronavirus cases and mitigating the spread in our country,” a top White House official told Gomerblog. “It is about making sure every man, woman, and child in America has more toilet paper than they know what to do with. Health care professionals don’t want masks, they want toilet paper. We want every American’s butt to be raw from the excess wiping.”

Even before the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 a pandemic, consumer runs on toilet paper have left shelves at stores like Costco and Target completely empty.

With PPE (personal protective equipment) supplies such as N95 and surgical masks running low in health care systems – some hospitals down to less than a 30-day supply – toilet paper may be our saving grace.

“It hasn’t officially been studied, but I think it is safe to assume that making a makeshift mask by taking a roll of toilet paper and wrapping it around your mouth 7 or 8 times should be equally effective as an N95 mask,” said Gomerblog correspondent and orthopedic surgeon Dr. Brock Hammersley.

In other news, anesthesiologists across the country are currently studying if TP forts are noninferior to drape forts in affording protection against the novel coronavirus, even if that TP tests positive for COVID-19.

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