• 2.2K

ATLANTA, GA – Just when there was a glimmer of hope that we might finally make some progress with the diagnostic testing of patients suspected of having COVID-19, another annoying hiccup just reared its ugly head on this long road to defeating the pandemic: all U.S. COVID-19 samples are coming back hemolyzed.

W. T. F.

“Damn it, no!” exclaimed every health care professional in the country who have been waiting weeks to finally order a COVID-19 test on a high-risk patient under investigation only for this to happen. “Is this really happening?! Can nasopharyngeal swabs even come back hemolyzed?! Is that even a thing?!”

The United States’ inability to develop coronavirus testing in a prompt fashion has been the result of a series of bungled events, including failed early recognition of the threat, initial flawed test kits, and endless red tape despite the U.S. Food & Drug Administration’s issuance of Emergency Use Authorization.

Now this.

Currently for initial diagnostic testing, the Centers for the Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) recommends collecting upper respiratory tract samples via nasopharyngeal and oropharyngeal swabs. Just when we thought we had the capability to diagnosis the samples, they’re all coming back hemolyzed. Every single of one of them.

“Just bring on the locusts and zombies, it’s game over,” said defeated Gomerblog correspondent and orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Brock Hammersley. “It was a blast while it lasted, humanity.”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.