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BETHESDA, MD – In a new study published in the Diary of the American Medical Association (DAMA), researchers found that 90% of U.S. patients who tested positive for coronavirus said the phrase “but I feel fine” just prior to symptom onset.

“It turns out sticks and bones may break your bones and words will likely hurt you,” said Robert R. Redfield, Director of the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention. “We still don’t recommend wearing a mask [to the general public], but putting soap in your mouth can’t hurt. Wash your hands and watch your mouth.”

Here was another particularly striking finding in the DAMA study: Of those patients aged 19-25 who were diagnosed with COVID-19, 100% of them said “but I feel fine” within 24 hours of finding out they were contagious. This suggests that coronavirus may preferentially target youth-associated arrogance.

The authors of the study believe that the pandemic coronavirus has a unique surface protein that homes in and binds to hosts afflicted with any degree of ignorance.

In other news, another study published in the Tampa Bay Journal of Medicine found that saying “I think I have coronavirus” leads to a negative COVID-19 test 99% of the time.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.