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ATLANTA, GA – Accepting that COVID-19 is progressing despite all of our best efforts, Palliative has been consulted and has officially made the United States DNR.

“It is time to focus on making ourselves comfortable and being home not just for 14 days but for whatever time we have left. It’s time to be around the things that matter most: family, friends, and toilet paper,” palliative care nurse practitioner Jennifer Dolphy said in a family meeting that included 320 million Americans.

The initial U.S. response to the novel coronavirus was less than robust and the country has been playing a failed game of catch-up ever since. Even with the enactment of self-quarantines and social distancing, COVID-19 has not showed signs of slowing down and has, in fact, metastasized to all 50 states. It has shut down multiple systems & industries: sports, music, education, hotels, restaurants, airlines, and the economy. Troponin levels rise by the second.

There had been a delay in calling together hundreds of millions of Americans for fear that a prolonged family meeting would lead to every single one of them being infected with COVID-19. “But everyone’s DNR now, myself included,” Dolphy pointed out, “so it’s a moot point.”

Other countries battling COVID-19 remain Full Code.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.