Dr. Fauci Implores We All Watch Bob Ross on Infinite Loop Immediately
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Addressing a restless and concerned American public over COVID-19, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID), recommends we all start watching Bob Ross painting videos on infinite loop effective immediately to help quell those nerves.
“I wouldn’t resort to such drastic, forceful action if I didn’t think it was necessary or prudent. I’m very aware that everyone’s anxiety level is at an all-time high, including my own and in particular our health care professionals on the front line,” said Fauci, slightly tremulous and clearly exhausted. “So, please, I urge you, pull up Bob Ross’ one-hour special entitled ‘The Grandeur of Summer‘ and let his calm and soothing voice heal you and heal us all.”
He added that “Island in the Wilderness” and “Mystic Mountain” are equally effective first-line choices. Whatever Bob Ross painting video you choose, the real key is to keep rewatching or choosing a new video. Never stop watching Bob.
Fauci admitted the NIAID recommendation isn’t evidence-based, but implores that we all must watch Bob beat the devil out of that brush, for our own sanity. “Maybe, just maybe, by Bob making sure each bush and tree has a friend, we might be able to pull out of this pandemic with our wits intact.”
The Food and Drug Administration is currently investigating titanium white and phthalo blue in the treatment of coronavirus.
“Do not get jumpy or jittery when Bob suggests we need to make a big decision,” Fauci cautioned, realizing this might be a bit much for viewers to handle. “Somehow, by some way, Bob always makes it looking beautiful at the end. Besides, there are no mistakes, only happy accidents.”