TATOOINE – While cleaning his new R2-D2 droid after purchasing them from the Jawas, Luke Skywalker accidentally triggered a holographic recording of a desperate United States of America pleading “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”

The United States has been struggling to combat the pandemic coronavirus, COVID-19, and now considers the threat on par with the Galactic Empire’s Death Star.

“I have placed information vital to the survival of the Union into the memory systems of this R2 unit,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, dressed in a silky satin white robe. “This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”

Upon hearing the message, Obi-Wan Kenobi turned to young Luke Skywalker and said, “You must learn the ways of the Force if you’re to come with me to America.”

The U.S. Food & Drug Administration has granted Obi-Wan emergency use authorization to test the Force against COVID-19.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.