OGDEN, UT – Gomerblog reporter Naan Derthaal rocked the medical financial universe recently when he revealed that the White Coat Investor doesn’t wear a white coast while investing.  Well, get ready for another bombshell: the White Coat Investor invests only in white coats!

WHAT??!!

It turns out the man behind the moniker, Dr. James M. Dahle, doesn’t practice what he preaches.  Sure, he advises us to work hard, keep a modest lifestyle, and “live like a resident.”  But you know what a resident doesn’t do?  Invest in white coats.  A sh*t ton of them.

Gomerblog crack staff has found that the White Coat Investor invests exclusively on white coats and has been doing it for decades.  And it’s the same white coat too: a Landau Men’s 3-Pocket Full-Length Lab Coat in a size 42.  We need to have someone independently verify the tally, but we estimate that he has invested in over 3,412,000 white coats.  That’s right, 3,412,000 Landau Men’s 3-Pocket Full-Length Lab Coats, all in size 42.  Not one in size 40 or 44.

So much for diversifying one’s portfolio.

The White Coat Investor may talk about the importance of investment diversification and how it mitigates risk, but in reality this is what his portfolio looks like: 100% white coats, 0% stocks, 0% short-term fixed income, 0% long-term fixed income, and 0% real estate.  And since Landau is a U.S.-based company, it looks Dahle has 0% in foreign investments.

We haven’t verified this yet, but we suspect that the White Coat Investor must also invest in large airplane hangars to store all those white coats.

That’s a lot of white coats.  Geez.

If the bubble on white coats bursts, the White Coat Investor is in for a world of hurt.  Here at Gomerblog, we sincerely hope those white coats are made of the highest quality cotton so they can help soften the blow.

OGDEN, UT – Dr. Jim Dahle has made a second career for himself “helping doctors stop doing dumb things with their money.” He’s successfully trademarked the phrase “White Coat Investor” all while keeping his dirty little secret hidden. 

Dr. Dahle does not wear a white coat while investing. He buys Vanguard index funds while in pajamas, gym gear, board shorts while on his wakeboat, and probably even while sitting on the porcelain throne.

But he NEVER wears a white coat while investing. He’s worn a ski jacket, he’s worn a sport coat, he’s even worn a three-piece suit while investing yet not even once has he invested while wearing a white coat. 

When asked about his blatantly misleading pseudonym, Dr. Dahle was unapologetic. “I don’t wear a white coat when I work shifts in the ER, why the heck would I wear one at home while investing? That makes as much sense as splitting your retirement portfolio between bitcoin, actively managed mutual funds with 7% expense ratios and tulip bulbs!”

“Ok, but you do call yourself and market yourself as “the White Coat Investor” don’t you feel at least a little bit guilty?”

“Sure, maybe a little bit during the first few years after training while I was living like a resident I may have felt a little bit guilty. But when you’re throwing everything you have at paying off student debt, you can’t afford fancy coats especially white ones and the constant laundering.”

“You want to know the real dirty secret in the Physician finance blogosphere? The so called “Physician on FIRE” is not actually burning nor has he ever sustained a burn of more than 1% total surface area! Go interrogate him!”

PORTLAND, OR – A new policy has caused a controversy at a local hospital, with multiple departments banding together against the measure which now allows janitorial services to wear white coats.  Starting last month, janitors have been given long-length white coats to wear as part of their mandatory uniforms during work hours.

“A hospital-wide questionnaire made it clear that patients felt as though they didn’t see enough physicians around the hospital, which left them feeling unsafe,” said hospital CEO Joseph Summers in a statement released last month.  “Rather than hiring more physicians, which would cost the hospital millions of dollars a year, a simpler solution was to purchase extra white coats for janitorial services, a one-time cost of under $5,000.”

“This allows us to continue providing the best care while cutting costs, allowing us to adequately compensate our hospital administrative leadership who enacted this brilliant cost saving policy,” he smiled.

The majority of staff has voiced their concerns about the new plan, mostly due to fear that their own professional recognition would be denigrated.  “Patients already have a hard time telling who the real caregivers are,” said Sherri Jones, an RN. “For example, I wear a white coat because in addition to being an RN I also have a PhD in Comparative Greek Literature.”

She continued, “So when I introduce myself as Dr. Jones to a patient, I do it because I earned that title and a white coat with five long years of high-level comparative literature analysis.”

Patients seem to be unaware of the new policy, but the hospital administration says that the response has been positive.  “I am really enjoying my stay here,” said Marie Hathaway, an elderly woman being treated for pneumonia.  “There are so many doctors!  My favorite is the one who brings me my food tray every day.  He always has such a cute little hair net on like he just came from the operating room!”

Hathaway admits the system isn’t perfect, however.  “My least favorite doctor is the one who wakes me up at 6 every morning and is the only one who feels the need to refer to himself as a doctor.  What a jerk!”

She added, “Also, I think the doctor who takes out the trash doesn’t speak much English.”

Respiratory technicians and dietitians have had a particularly vocal voice in the matter.  “I can’t believe that the hospital administration is letting janitors wear white coats,” said one technician who did not want to be named.  “I mean, the nerve of these people!”

“Being confused for a physician is a privilege, not a right,” he added.  “And I earned that privilege after graduating from an accelerated 18-month program at Pima Medical Institute.”

The physician white coat comes with a strong sense of entitlement. At $3,000 tuition per square inch, this is the most expensive coat that also carries the distinction of being completely useless in winter.  It is typically left unbuttoned, allowing it to flow freely during a brisk walk to the ICU.  This makes the physician look much larger and scarier than they actually are, which is helpful for any chance encounters with a bear or a charge nurse.

A nurse practitioner’s white coat is often adorned with a hefty inferiority complex.  As many credentials as possible will be prominently displayed on the front of the coat, beginning with kindergarten graduation and ending with their high score in bowling.  At first glance, this coat looks like the physician white coat, but no, it’s totally different.

This white coat is also long and white and a coat, but is unique in its ability to embody its wearer with supernatural vein puncturing ability.  It also has pockets, but they are different from other white coat pockets.  Just trust me.

This white coat is sputum resistant and really is totally different from all other white coats, which are sputum absorbent for some reason.

The wearer of this white coat bears the weight of one thousand consults on their shoulders.  Therefore, this coat is made from light weight, microfiber unlike other white coats.  I promise, it’s completely different.

This white coat comes with a six-figure salary at a quarter of the debt when compared to the physician coat.  You might think this coat is the same as any other white coat, but it’s not.  Don’t be ridiculous.

This person cooks your food.  They can wear whatever the f**k they want.

CHICAGO, IL – The long white coat has long been a symbol of a young doctor’s achievement in completing medical school and entering residency.  However, residents from all over the country have forgone the traditional white coats supplied by the hospital and instead choose to wear expensive embroidered black fleece jackets that they purchase themselves on limited funds.  One Chicago area hospital could not be happier.

“We have recently noticed that our laundry budget has been drastically reduced since this trend has taken place,” states Outside Hospital CEO Gimmy Money.  “We completely support this move, as it helps patients distinguish the residents from the real doctors or custodians.”

“Initially, the hospital was planning on providing the black jackets to the residents in lieu of the white coats,” states OPM Uniform Director Kalvin Clein, “but none of the departments could agree upon a specific brand.  Therefore, we were able to completely do away with our uniform and laundry budget and pass the costs on to the residents.”

“Surveys went out in the beginning of the year to select a provider for the jackets.  Shockingly, the residents were adamantly against Cintas, but that was the only thing they could agree on.”

Clein continues, “For example, even though most ER residents are pale little dorks who get nose bleeds just trying to reach for the last Freezie Pop in the back of the patient nutrition freezer, they demanded to have The North Face fleeces.  Orthopedic surgeons were only comfortable in Under Armour gear, preferably without sleeves.  Anesthesiologists have a propensity to be cold, so they preferred Polar Edge Parkas.  Family medicine residents asked for store brand jackets, such as Champion.  Plastic surgeons liked Patagonia and hand surgeons preferred Burberry.  Most interestingly, the pediatric department supported a write in campaign for OshKosh B’Gosh.”

Proponents of the change feel that the white coat is a tradition of professionalism and should not be so easily discarded.  In response, Clein states, “Professionalism is our top priority.  Pharmacists, nurse practitioners, physician assistants, and many other non-MD staff will still be dressed in the usual long white lab coats.  We also will be keeping tradition by making all our medical students look like total douche-bags by continuing to have them wear short white coats.”

NEW YORK, NY – Physician Joel Winters had not washed his white coat in over 10 years.  However, after acquiring a 25th stain today while caring for a patient with profuse C. diff diarrhea, Winters finally succumbed and decided that it was time to wash his white coat.

“It’s time, it’s just time,” Winters said sadly, as he placed his white coat into a plastic grocery bag to take to the cleaners later.  “That C. diff is a game-changer.”

For years, Winters has been reluctant to wash his white coat despite numerous complaints from patients, families, and fellow colleagues.  The reason had never been clear.  “Dr. Winters is a fantastic person and doctor,” said nurse Janet Summers.  “All the more reason why he wore that awful thing.  It looked like a Jackson Pollock painting.”

Many thought it was due to laziness, but Winters was always thorough in his work and care for his patients.  Though many theories have been suggested over the past decade, many now believe that it represents a time capsule or scrapcoat of memories.

“Who can forever forget the Ketchup Incident of 2007 or Hematemesis 2012?” said physician assistant August Williams.  “I think every kind of bodily fluid has ended up on that white coat.  And breakfast food, for sure.  When I look at Dr. Winters and his white coat, it makes me reflect on my career over the past 10 years.”

Winters says there’s the usual blood, sweat, and tears on his white coat.  There’s also phlegm, vomit, stool, spinal fluid, joint fluid, amniotic fluid, and peritoneal fluid.  He’s accumulated egg, bacon, ketchup, mustard, avocado, tuna salad, barbecue sauce, and grits on there.  There are random streaks of pen, marker, and crayons (at least 5 colors) too.  The largest and oldest stain is from when he tripped and landed in a muddy puddle nearly 10 years ago to this day.

“God knows, that thing is probably colonized by every organism ever,” said friend and disgusted infectious diseases specialist Leah Springer.  “Honestly, that thing doesn’t need a dry cleaner.  That thing needs to be autoclaved.”

So what happens now?

“I’m pretty sure I’m going to get grief about my tie next,” said Winters, gesturing at his crusty, smelly, wrinkled, and out-of-style necktie.  “We’ve got 20 stains on this one.  It’s a beauty.  I think we can hit 26 stains on this one.”

HOUSTON, TX – In an imaginative new tactic to publicly shame his residents, orthopedic surgeon Dr. Scott Winslow has started reducing the length of his resident’s white coats for each mistake made.

“It all started after a tough day of work,” explains Dr. Winslow.  “One of my residents was really pissing me off that day for whatever reason, so when I got home, I sat on my couch thinking of ways to shame the guy.  All of a sudden this genius plan came to mind.”

The “genius plan” Dr. Winslow devised entails removing strips of his residents’ white coats with shears for each mistake made.

“Think about it,” says Dr. Winslow.  “I’ve got a long coat, but I’m the boss.  I don’t make mistakes.  Why should they have the same coat privileges that I do?  This way, everyone can see how many mistakes they’ve made, and their public humiliation will prevent them from making any more.”

One resident in particular, Dr. Christopher Seymour, has been hit the hardest by Dr. Winslow’s new coat-shortening policy.

“I was having a really rough week.  I was holding the instruments wrong in the OR, cutting knots too short, then too long.  I was a disaster and Winslow was furious.  We get to rounds the next day, and to make up for the day prior, I quickly ran to gather all the vitals on all the patients.  I wrote down all the ins, but guess what?  I forgot the outs.  As soon as Dr. Winslow realized my mistake, he threw down his papers, walked over to the desk and grabbed shears.  He made me turn around and took two-inches off the back of my coat in front of everyone.  It was humiliating.”

“My god, that was a glorious moment,” recalls a triumphant Dr. Winslow.  “One of those times you really get to show everyone how in-charge you truly are.”

But not everyone is as thrilled with the new shaming tactic, least of all, Dr. Seymour.

“Over the last two weeks, my coat’s just gotten shorter and shorter.  It doesn’t even reach my belt line anymore.  Yesterday, the med student ordered me to grab him some gauze and a kerlix.  The med student, for god’s sake.  I used to be the senior on the team, now I’m the supply mule.  I can’t even use my pockets to carry stuff because they’ve been cut off!”

Surgery departments throughout the hospital are taking note of the policy and are in the process of implementing similar tactics.  One attending was overheard saying, “Why didn’t we think of this genius idea before!”

Many are already speculating that the ACGME will not be happy and will soon publish minimum lengths for white coat lengths to protect residents.

WASHINGTON, DC – With the completion of the Sochi Olympics and the success of their “Mach 39” high-tech aerodynamic suits in propelling U.S. speedskaters to glory, Lockheed Martin and Under Armour teamed up once more and have now introduced a super-aerodynamic white coat for healthcare professionals to help shave priceless seconds off of their rounding times.

They’re calling the new white coat the “Stat 5.”

“I’m astounded,” said Christina Stevens, a nurse practitioner at George Washington University Hospital trying the Stat 5 for the first time.  “My PR (personal record) for the 20P (20 patients) course was 3:36:39.  Today, I came in at 3:36:05.  Incredible!”

The Stat 5 design marks a dramatic departure from the traditional white coat.  The Stat 5 borrows from the Mach 39 in that it is a full-body, skin-tight white coat, requiring no less than three people to help put on.  It requires no clothing underneath, such as scrubs, shirts, ties, pants, dresses, blouses, skirts, or underwear.

The Stat 5 not only has slippery fabric to reduce rounding drag, but also little dimples to disrupt airflow, similar to a golf ball or cute baby.  Silver textiles at the back of the neck and along the waistline decrease stethoscope and pager drag by 65% and 55%, respectively.  The Stat 5 does away with lapels, pockets, and sleeves; 500 hours of wind tunnel testing showed these traditional white coat appendages produced a “significant but not statistically significant” amount of air resistance.  The Stat 5 is resistant to water, pathogens, and condiments.  The super-aerodynamic N95 attachment mask allows for both fast and safe rounding under airborne or droplet precautions.

World record holder of the 26P, Dr. Meb Kramer of Boston University is impressed.

“It’s like a new pair of running shoes but for my body,” said Dr. Kramer, who ran this morning’s 26P course in 2:08:36, one second better than his PR he set earlier this year in Boston.  “The white coat was deflecting everything.  Wind, VRE, pages, everything!”

Lockheed Martin and Under Armour believe the Stat 5 is revolutionary.

“The answer was simple really,” said Mary Walters, one of 60,000 engineers involved in the creation of the Stat 5.  “We thought about all the hard-working folks in white coats.  It’s not about being overworked or understaffed.  It’s about getting through the day faster, seconds faster.  So that’s what we focused on and that’s what we accomplished.”

Not everyone thinks the future lies with the Stat 5.

“No matter what you wear, you still have to perform, you still have to round,” says Dutch speedrounding Gold-medal hospitalist Jorrit Ter Mors.  “We round and train every day, inside the hospital and out.  Technology helps, but it’s not everything.”

As for the future of speedrounding?

“I think it’s bright,” says Dr. Kramer.  “If the Stat 5 performs well, then we might be able to push the hospital governing body even more.  Maybe reducing the drag of stethoscopes and pagers further.  Maybe we can eliminate them altogether?  Think about our rounding times then.”

The Stat 5 is available in three colors: white, off-white, and disappointing Olympic Under Armour black.