NEW YORK, NY – Physician Joel Winters had not washed his white coat in over 10 years. However, after acquiring a 25th stain today while caring for a patient with profuse C. diff diarrhea, Winters finally succumbed and decided that it was time to wash his white coat.
“It’s time, it’s just time,” Winters said sadly, as he placed his white coat into a plastic grocery bag to take to the cleaners later. “That C. diff is a game-changer.”
For years, Winters has been reluctant to wash his white coat despite numerous complaints from patients, families, and fellow colleagues. The reason had never been clear. “Dr. Winters is a fantastic person and doctor,” said nurse Janet Summers. “All the more reason why he wore that awful thing. It looked like a Jackson Pollock painting.”
Many thought it was due to laziness, but Winters was always thorough in his work and care for his patients. Though many theories have been suggested over the past decade, many now believe that it represents a time capsule or scrapcoat of memories.
“Who can forever forget the Ketchup Incident of 2007 or Hematemesis 2012?” said physician assistant August Williams. “I think every kind of bodily fluid has ended up on that white coat. And breakfast food, for sure. When I look at Dr. Winters and his white coat, it makes me reflect on my career over the past 10 years.”
Winters says there’s the usual blood, sweat, and tears on his white coat. There’s also phlegm, vomit, stool, spinal fluid, joint fluid, amniotic fluid, and peritoneal fluid. He’s accumulated egg, bacon, ketchup, mustard, avocado, tuna salad, barbecue sauce, and grits on there. There are random streaks of pen, marker, and crayons (at least 5 colors) too. The largest and oldest stain is from when he tripped and landed in a muddy puddle nearly 10 years ago to this day.
“God knows, that thing is probably colonized by every organism ever,” said friend and disgusted infectious diseases specialist Leah Springer. “Honestly, that thing doesn’t need a dry cleaner. That thing needs to be autoclaved.”
So what happens now?
“I’m pretty sure I’m going to get grief about my tie next,” said Winters, gesturing at his crusty, smelly, wrinkled, and out-of-style necktie. “We’ve got 20 stains on this one. It’s a beauty. I think we can hit 26 stains on this one.”
That’s where my ancestry starts so I’m not surprised!!
Wow, I know a Peter De Reus who lives in The Netherlands.
Who in the hell chose white?
Who in the hell chose white?
He had that nurse trained
He had that nurse trained
I would NEVER wash my white coat. It shall carry the stains of all my patients
Nosocomial infections anyone?
Andrew Smith, I feel like this could be you
I always washed and ironed my scrub jacket. One day in surgery a nasty nasty sweaty attending backed away from the OR table and walked over to where my jacket hung on the door, bent down and swiped his brow across my jacket. Ugh!!!
That is disgusting, I would not allow him near me.
E.coli and his friends will grow profusely.
I wasn’t aware it was supposed to be washed? Oops!
Eeeeeoooowwww! Infection control–someone!!!!
An infection control nurses nightmare
What?
Lol that is so cute
Derek LeJeune
It would be nice if MD’s washed their hands once in awhile!
Every time I see a stethoscope scrunchie I question the cleanliness of the scope and sanity of the person who decided to keep the 90s alive on their professional equipment.
Oren Friedman
I wash mine, put it on, and IMMEDIATELY drip coffee down the lapel. Never. Fails.
I realize this is satire, but ewww. Just ewww.
Anyways, I’m more afraid of ties or ::shutter:: stethoscope covers
Allie Pierce
Yuck!
The joy of anesthesia is having the only stains on your white coat being coffee from conference. Don’t ask too many questions about scrubs, though.
I had an excuse — my washing machine needed major surgery to replace the transmission clutch. It is a $10 part, but all the guts have to be temporarily removed to get to it; no laparoscopic technique possible. I was never trained in Whirlpool organ transplants.
Paul Taglienti…. The bathroom floor?
In medical school and use my coat once a week…what’s worse is our anatomy lab coats
Why? it just gets dirty again, the moment you put it on.
Some kind of neat freak?
totally!!! i had to finally clean my shoes because they were covered in blood.
Haven’t worn a white coat in 14 years!
I knew surgeons who had the same attitude about their OR shoes. It often seemed as if the stains were the only thing maintaining the integrity of the shoes…or the duct tape!
Rush White Coats Ujene Lusciouks
One neurosurgeon had a habit of leaving his dirty lab coat in the ICU nurses station until one of my fellow OCD RN would take it home and wash it and iron it.
Wait…. we’re supposed to wash them? But mine has a nice shade of yellow known as “bilirubin: 25”.
Would love to culture the sleeves of a resident’s lab coat…
Yuk, I change mine every day.
I can’t really picture a doctor close enough to cdiff to get it on their coat. Most docs I know sidle away quickly when the scent is detected.
Yes!
Scrapcoat of memories!!!
Hey those stains remind us of the good times