WASHINGTON, DC – With the completion of the Sochi Olympics and the success of their “Mach 39” high-tech aerodynamic suits in propelling U.S. speedskaters to glory, Lockheed Martin and Under Armour teamed up once more and have now introduced a super-aerodynamic white coat for healthcare professionals to help shave priceless seconds off of their rounding times.

white coatThey’re calling the new white coat the “Stat 5.”

“I’m astounded,” said Christina Stevens, a nurse practitioner at George Washington University Hospital trying the Stat 5 for the first time.  “My PR (personal record) for the 20P (20 patients) course was 3:36:39.  Today, I came in at 3:36:05.  Incredible!”

The Stat 5 design marks a dramatic departure from the traditional white coat.  The Stat 5 borrows from the Mach 39 in that it is a full-body, skin-tight white coat, requiring no less than three people to help put on.  It requires no clothing underneath, such as scrubs, shirts, ties, pants, dresses, blouses, skirts, or underwear.

The Stat 5 not only has slippery fabric to reduce rounding drag, but also little dimples to disrupt airflow, similar to a golf ball or cute baby.  Silver textiles at the back of the neck and along the waistline decrease stethoscope and pager drag by 65% and 55%, respectively.  The Stat 5 does away with lapels, pockets, and sleeves; 500 hours of wind tunnel testing showed these traditional white coat appendages produced a “significant but not statistically significant” amount of air resistance.  The Stat 5 is resistant to water, pathogens, and condiments.  The super-aerodynamic N95 attachment mask allows for both fast and safe rounding under airborne or droplet precautions.

World record holder of the 26P, Dr. Meb Kramer of Boston University is impressed.

“It’s like a new pair of running shoes but for my body,” said Dr. Kramer, who ran this morning’s 26P course in 2:08:36, one second better than his PR he set earlier this year in Boston.  “The white coat was deflecting everything.  Wind, VRE, pages, everything!”

Lockheed Martin and Under Armour believe the Stat 5 is revolutionary.

“The answer was simple really,” said Mary Walters, one of 60,000 engineers involved in the creation of the Stat 5.  “We thought about all the hard-working folks in white coats.  It’s not about being overworked or understaffed.  It’s about getting through the day faster, seconds faster.  So that’s what we focused on and that’s what we accomplished.”

Not everyone thinks the future lies with the Stat 5.

“No matter what you wear, you still have to perform, you still have to round,” says Dutch speedrounding Gold-medal hospitalist Jorrit Ter Mors.  “We round and train every day, inside the hospital and out.  Technology helps, but it’s not everything.”

As for the future of speedrounding?

“I think it’s bright,” says Dr. Kramer.  “If the Stat 5 performs well, then we might be able to push the hospital governing body even more.  Maybe reducing the drag of stethoscopes and pagers further.  Maybe we can eliminate them altogether?  Think about our rounding times then.”

The Stat 5 is available in three colors: white, off-white, and disappointing Olympic Under Armour black.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.