ketchup packet

Toddler Goldfish and Ketchup Diet Somehow Working

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A chemical reaction just waiting to happen
A chemical reaction just waiting to happen

MASSACHUSETTS – A new study just released last week in the journal Nutrition demonstrated that the toddler goldfish and ketchup diet is somehow working; they just have no idea how.  The study was performed due to the overwhelming concern from millions of parents regarding their children’s diet, or lack there of.

“Toddlers are obviously defying our current knowledge regarding nutrition,” says Debra Goodrich, a prominent pediatric nutritionist.

“Strictly speaking, the goldfish and ketchup diet should not be able to sustain life beyond 2 months.”  Toddlers these days consistently eat this diet upwards of a year long, and still manage to not only sustain life, but grow.”

“I don’t know how he has done it,” says parent Jeremy Stumbling on his 3 year olds’ weight gain.  “He is still in the 50th percentile for weight and all he eats are goldfish dipped in ketchup all day long.”

The new study did discover a possible reaction that occurs between goldfish and ketchup.  By themselves, neither processed food could sustain life.  However, when goldfish touch ketchup in an acidic environment like the stomach, an oxidative chemical reaction occurs that produces essential vitamins, antioxidants, and proteins.

Goodrich suspects this reaction is how toddlers have survived throughout the years.  “I can’t recommend the goldfish and ketchup diet at this time until further studies are performed.  However, I can say to parents dealing with this diet, there is hope that your child will somehow survive.”

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  • Kelly Ann Bleiweis
    Kelly Ann Bleiweis

    In defence of this topic, my daughter lived for years on chicken nuggets and applesauce is is now 6’1″…

  • Kristen Renzelman Nace
    Kristen Renzelman Nace

    Let’s see, a grain, a “vegetable” (as once defined by the Reagan administration) Goldfish have cheese in them, right? So there’s your dairy. Maybe the fish shape somehow triggers the body into thinking it’s actually getting some animal protein via the placebo effect. Voila! A completely balanced meal!

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