ketchup packet

Toddler Goldfish and Ketchup Diet Somehow Working

  • 248
A chemical reaction just waiting to happen
A chemical reaction just waiting to happen

MASSACHUSETTS – A new study just released last week in the journal Nutrition demonstrated that the toddler goldfish and ketchup diet is somehow working; they just have no idea how.  The study was performed due to the overwhelming concern from millions of parents regarding their children’s diet, or lack there of.

“Toddlers are obviously defying our current knowledge regarding nutrition,” says Debra Goodrich, a prominent pediatric nutritionist.

“Strictly speaking, the goldfish and ketchup diet should not be able to sustain life beyond 2 months.”  Toddlers these days consistently eat this diet upwards of a year long, and still manage to not only sustain life, but grow.”

“I don’t know how he has done it,” says parent Jeremy Stumbling on his 3 year olds’ weight gain.  “He is still in the 50th percentile for weight and all he eats are goldfish dipped in ketchup all day long.”

The new study did discover a possible reaction that occurs between goldfish and ketchup.  By themselves, neither processed food could sustain life.  However, when goldfish touch ketchup in an acidic environment like the stomach, an oxidative chemical reaction occurs that produces essential vitamins, antioxidants, and proteins.

Goodrich suspects this reaction is how toddlers have survived throughout the years.  “I can’t recommend the goldfish and ketchup diet at this time until further studies are performed.  However, I can say to parents dealing with this diet, there is hope that your child will somehow survive.”

  • Show Comments

  • Kelly Ann Bleiweis
    Kelly Ann Bleiweis

    In defence of this topic, my daughter lived for years on chicken nuggets and applesauce is is now 6’1″…

  • Kristen Renzelman Nace
    Kristen Renzelman Nace

    Let’s see, a grain, a “vegetable” (as once defined by the Reagan administration) Goldfish have cheese in them, right? So there’s your dairy. Maybe the fish shape somehow triggers the body into thinking it’s actually getting some animal protein via the placebo effect. Voila! A completely balanced meal!

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

You May Also Like

med students drop out

Med Students Renamed “Teeny-Tiny Whipper-Jippers

216SharesIn a unanimous vote Thursday, Lakeland General Hospital’s administrative council decided to replace traditional ...

EMR computers

EMR Seeks Upgrade in Physician Users

223SharesIn a breathtaking technological leap, the EMR Purgatory recently shut down all screens at ...

computer colonized keyboard

National Healthcare Crisis Solved in Blog Comment Section

In a lesser-known EM Physician’s blog, found buried in the comment section, contains the ...