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ATLANTA, GA – Things are tense this morning at Tostitos Medical Center (TMC) as clinical nutritionist and protagonist Alice Dash just ran into her evil and noncompliant arch nemesis, Amy Glutton, also known as The Malnutritionist.

nutritionist“I see you’ve come for me,” said Dash, wielding her basket full of fresh fruit.

“MMMMWWWWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” laughed the evil Glutton, gesturing with crispy strips of Benton’s Bacon.  “Nonsense.  I’ve come for your patients.”

“You leave them alone!” demanded Dash, while maintaining adequate hydration with her eighth glass of water of the day.  “You leave them alone, you hear?”

“I do as I please,” responded a defiant Glutton.  Glutton walked into a patient’s room, one with heart failure, and changed him from a low sodium to a general diet.  He glanced at Dash with an evil smile, crusted with leftover Big Mac.

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!” screamed a first-year medical student, crying and rushing towards his heart failure patient.  Nurses and doctors tried to stop the student, but it was to no avail.  The first-year medical student was vaporized seconds later by a sausage patty.

“Who’s next?” asked Glutton rhetorically, threatening others with other tasty red meats.

“The Malnutritionist has been up to her no-good evil ways for years,” whispered internist Joseph Atkins to our hungry GomerBlog team.  “He’s maniacal.  He gives hyperkalemic patients bananas.  He buys Big Gulps for diabetics.  He taunts pancreatitis patients with bacon-wrapped hot dogs.  He encourages larger, frequent meals.  He’s all about salt, debauchery, and fat.  Do you know what he puts in his TPN bags?  Lard!  He’s evil, I tell you, evil!”

Health care practitioners are hiding under the cover of disgusting cafeteria grub ever since the first-year medical student (rest in peace) was vaporized into a pork-scented mist.  For an added plot twist, it should be noted that Dash and Glutton are long-lost twins separated at birth.  GomerBlog will report if there are any updates in this heated confrontation.

Dash and Glutton have engaged in an intense caloric battle that has now escalated into a climactic rooftop foodfight.

Dash was wounded by an uppercupcake, while Glutton choked and nearly aspirated a piece of broccoli.  In a pivotal moment, Dash found herself cornered when Glutton suffered a wretched case of heartburn complete with sour taste and retreated.

“You haven’t seen the last of me, Nutritionist!” exclaimed Glutton as she escaped to find some Tums and contemplates making an appointment with her gastroenterologist for esophagogastroduodenoscopy (EGD).  “MMMMWWWWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.