Hospital Builds $100M Gorgeous Atrium Expansion, Nurse Bonuses Cut

  • 3.3K

CLEVELAND, OH  – Mercy Hospital has just completed a new addition to their hospital: a grandiose beautiful atrium.  This new expansion is “a beautiful and glorious addition to our fine institution.”

HospitalThe new atrium has spared no expense.  There is a new grand piano with a 10 -ear budget for a 24-hr pianist, large stained-glass windows, and 3 chandeliers imported from France.  This new addition has hospital administrators tied up with ribbon-cutting ceremonies, hor dourves gatherings, and cake-cutting parties.

In tough economic times it can be difficult to find an extra $100 million dollars on the balance sheets.  Mercy Hospital’s CFO Kent Hasworth told reporters, “It really only took 15 minutes to scan our books and find a couple of simple financial cracks.”  He decided to cut nurse’s bonuses for the next 10 years.

“It was the only feasible way for us to proceed with the new atrium,” said Hasworth.  “When bonuses were stopped we came up with enough money for this wonderful addition.  The 5-G WiFi network and pianist don’t just pay for themselves.”

This new atrium really ties the hospital together.  “We’ve also added a guest office that the Joint Commission can use during their once-a-year audits.”  Hasworth went on, “The room has two 51” TVs that stream cameras of nurses’ stations, making sure no food or drink is at the station.  We’ve spared no expense.”

When asked about fears regarding a potential mass exodus of nurses, administrators responded emphatically, “Not at all.  Some will stay, and some will leave.  Whoever leaves, we will replace them with traveling nurses until we can spread the work out with the existing nurses.”  He also said the new beautiful atrium will be a great recruiting tool for future nurses.

A new study put out by the New England Journal of Medicine last week demonstrated that patients grade hospitals not by the quality of medical care, but rather on appearance, ample parking, a pianist, and WiFi.  When catering towards patient-centered care, hospitals are sacrificing quality to appease their patients.

“The people have spoken,” said Hasworth.  “They would rather have music in the lobby and WiFi to surf YouTube videos while waiting for their prescriptions, than have solid medical care.  We are a patient -entered hospital and we listen.  I apologize to all the nurses out there, but patients just don’t care as much about quality medicine.  It’s about convenience medicine now.”

A magical nursing float pool which was recently discovered, might be tapped into if it hasn’t been drained yet.

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Kelly Goshon

    I’ll never forget the yr the hospital I used to work built a million dollar fountain on the side of the building.No raise for us.

  • Avatar
    Lindsay Million

    I did not realize this was satire until after I clicked in the “nurse float pool” link. That’s the state of our system today. I thought this was legit.

  • Avatar
    Amy Keen

    Bonus? What’s that?

  • Avatar
    Jessica Guerrero

    Christina Ruiz

  • Avatar
    Heather Dhamo

    This isn’t satire. This is EXACTLY what they did at Swedish Covenant Hospital in Chicago and I expect it’s the same story many, many other places too.

  • Avatar
    Barbara Jamerson

    Sure I’ll take a job at the hospital with the beautiful atrium over the hospital that provides better financial compensation, said no qualified nurse ever. Filling open positions with travelers until you can build new staff, hope your atrium doesn’t get repossessed trying to pay for that. And don’t forget the loss of financial compensation from the government when your infection rates and mortality rates increase. But don’t worry today’s competitive health care market will always choose an atrium over quality health care, LOL…

  • Avatar

    Bet they are mini ginger ale cans too!

  • Avatar

    Ahhh so painful!

  • Avatar
    Cameron Hansen

    Love the Lebowski reference. “The atrium really ties the hospital together.”

  • Avatar
    Kelly Ann Bleiweis

    I can’t share this one – it cuts too close to the truth ($50k for an exotic specimen tree in the courtyard)

  • Avatar
    Sarah Kohrmann

    Hahaha we have $400 Dyson bladeless fans, but positions are being reduced and all we stock in the kitchenettes now is ginger ale

  • Avatar
    Claudia Marozzi

    So true

  • Avatar
    The Happy Hospitalist Blog

    If you’re going to dream, dream BIG!

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

You May Also Like