PORTLAND, OR – “Simply Outrageous!” Those were comments on a patient survey card by a mother regarding an OB nurse at Mercy Care Hospital yesterday on the 6th floor. The nurse is being charged with mispronouncing the mother’s newborn baby girl’s name, which was created uniquely by the mother.
“How hard can ‘-elle’ be to pronounce!” fumed the new mother. “The conceited nurse pronounced her name ‘ehyea.’ Who names their kid ‘ehyea’? The dash isn’t silent and her name is DASHelle. This nurse is a complete joke and a waste of oxygen!”
The new mother chastised the new nurse for the royal screw up and instructed him to go inform everyone working on the floor to learn her baby’s name.
“If one more person comes in and mispronounces my sweet baby girl’s name, I will flip a lid and fill out another negative patient satisfaction form.”
Postpartum nurse Henry Wilkens (yes there are male postpartum nurses contrary to popular belief) was livid. “She made up the damn name and even threw in the trick dash. How was I suppose to know!”
Wilkens went on, “Also, did you know that she wanted to save some of the vernix from -elle for the craziest reason. When she turns 16, her dad plans to take her out to fire her first shotgun. He wants to polish the barrel with the vernix. They’re crazy!”
Nurse D-ah (pronounced de-DASH-ah) told reporters, “It really is a tragedy that my colleague couldn’t pronounce such a simple name like [Dashelle], I mean it is obvious. Common baby names.” She continued with an eye-roll only an OB nurse could pull off, “Ok, HE-nar-why! [Henry]”
This isn’t the first time nurse Henry has screwed up patients’ baby names. Last week his supervisor told him to get Apple from the nurses station for her. Henry was seen handing over an edible apple, not picking up this hipsters‘ baby named Apple. “Henry really needs to get his act together with knowing the latest and greatest baby names. I mean, can you imagine if he had brought the parents a freakin’ apple back instead of their baby? Automatic negative patient satisfaction score!”
Witnesses noted that upper management was quick to visit the floor to calm the patient down. They assured her that the nurse would be disciplined with docked pay for a week and that every employee on the floor would learn her baby’s name .
“We can’t tolerate our employees disregarding and slaughtering patient’s names,” said CEO Bridget Whopperton. “Starting today we will have mandatory pronunciation classes for all employees for all of the latest and greatest baby names. We just can’t afford another mispronunciation.”