In Bid to Cut Costs, Hospital Creates New Multi-Organ System Failure Medical Clinic

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DENVER, CO – With expenses spiraling out of control and a budget in the red for the past year, officials at Denver Regional Medical Center have unveiled a new outpatient clinic, which provides efficient care at a fraction of the cost of traditional hospitalization. At their leisure, patients will now be able to conveniently stop in at Multi-Organ System Failure (MOSF) medical clinic, which will be open 5 days a week from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m.

“In the past, patients with severe sepsis and end-stage metastatic cancer had to endure the inconvenience and expense of protracted hospitalizations,” said hospital CEO Mark Appel.  “Now, they can just pop by clinic for some quick treatment, then head right back out there and get some errands done or pick the kids up from school.  It’s that easy.”

The hospital steering committee modeled the clinic after other successful ventures implemented last year, including Massive Exsanguination Clinic and Refractory Hypoxia Clinic.  Both of those clinics have reported low bounceback rates and, to date, no patient complaints.

“I really like the idea of not having to be stuck in a bed like this,” wrote cardiac intensive care unit patient Mary Waters on a dry-erase board.  “I can’t wait for MOSF clinic to open!”

Critical care fellow Dr. Jack Wong agreed that the clinic would significantly decrease his inpatient burden.  “Before, I would have to round over and over again on my ICU patients, order epinephrine, place central lines, consult renal for dialysis, cardiovert, and what-not, but now, I just write ‘Follow up in MOSF clinic in two weeks’ and I’m done.  It’s awesome!”

At press time, officials were fending off concerns about the high no-show rate at the recently opened Asystole Clinic.

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    As a fourteen month-old infant and licensed surgeon, the Punky-Looking Kiddo offers a truly unique perspective on the worlds of healthcare and modern medicine. With a combination of both wit and humor, he...oh wait. I just crapped myself. And I'm hungry. SOMEONE PICK ME UP!

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  • Avatar
    Casca

    And we have horse parking outside !

  • Avatar
    Artemis TheGatekeeper

    Part of the Black Friday special!

  • Avatar
    Dawn Dasilva

    This looks like it could be in Texas I swear > 60% of clinics and dental offices are in strip malls next yo a donut shop.

  • Avatar
    PJ Dew

    Seriously?!

  • Avatar
    Aesop

    OMG!
    I am soooooooo programming in discharge instructions for “Follow Up At Asystole Clinic” into our discharge instructions database!

  • Avatar
    Vonnie Grenert Cooper

    O2 For You COPD Bar

  • Avatar
    Nisa Levy

    I love this site!

  • Avatar
    Krista Ericson Skjervem

    Amy Kimber so good and so ridiculous.

  • Avatar
    Esta Han

    Rachael Rischar

  • Avatar
    Esta Han

    Lisa Fasanella

  • Avatar
    Esta Han

    Comes with free surgery consult with purchase of CVVH to go!

  • Avatar
    C.t. Grayson

    Amputation Station

  • Avatar
    Pau La

    Stroke resort!

  • Avatar
    Sarah Dawkins

    LOL Annie x

  • Avatar
    ChristinandJohn Derig

    It needs an adjacent outpatient transplant procedure room

  • Avatar
    Margi Dalgleish Roth

    I think it will go under.

  • Avatar
    ThePunkyLookingKiddo

    Tourniqet Clinic. Ruptured Aneurysm Clinic. Constant Evisceration Clinic!

  • Avatar
    Betsy O’Herron Tolbert

    DKA dessert bar and coffeehouse.

  • Avatar
    Joanie Sapienza

    Bahahahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahhaahha! Love it! Hahahahaha! Lmaoooooo!

  • Avatar
    Gomerblog

    Name some other clinics. Abdominal Perforation Spa

  • Avatar
    Betsy O’Herron Tolbert

    LMAO!

  • Avatar
    Khalid Manzoor

    Comes with a drive thru CPR window.

  • Avatar
    Ellen S. Stolar

    Matthew Siedsma Michael Markos

  • Avatar
    Amy Kimber

    Krista Ericson Skjervem :)

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