Tim Howard Hired by Hospitalist Group, Blocks 16 Admissions

  • 5.1K
    Shares

NORTH BRUNSWICK TOWNSHIP, NJ – Following an epic goalkeeping performance during a 2-1 defeat to Belgium, United States goalkeeper Tim Howard was soon hired by a hospitalist group in his home state of New Jersey where on his first day of duty he blocked 16 admissions.

“It’s a good shift if you can block one admission,” said co-hospitalist Dr. Jonathan Thompson.  “Tim was incredible.”

Hospitalists around the country are already calling it one of the greatest performances by an admitting hospitalist in decades.

It was a highly-anticipated rematch between Emergency Medicine and Hospital Medicine on Monday morning.  Hospital Medicine started the day in a new 4-3-3 formation – 4 rounding hospitalists, 3 nurse practitioners, and 3 physician assistants – with Tim Howard anchoring the backstop.

From the get-go, Emergency Medicine (dressed in blue scrubs) had the upper hand against Hospital Medicine (dressed in white coats).  Their attacks were numerous, consisting of hematologic crosses, gastrointestinal bombs down the middle, cardiac set pieces, and even taking advantage of orthopedic free kicks, all of which consistently had Hospital Medicine on their heels, practicing defensive medicine.

However, Howard was on his game and turned aside admission after admission, deflecting them out of harms way onto other subspecialties, some of which included General Surgery, Plastic Surgery, Neurosurgery, Anesthesiology, Radiology, and Ophthalmology.  Even Rheumatology admitted a patient, their first admission since 1972.

Howard’s two most mind-numbing and acrobatic stops came in the shift’s second half.  The first was in the 72’ when he turfed a social admission for placement to orthopedic surgery despite the patient having no fractures.  The second was in the 85’ when he turned away a healthy 30-year-old patient with community-acquired pneumonia by an ER resident, blocked the rebound by the ER attending, and then convinced both of them to send the patient to hospice.

“Bulletproof,” said one Emergency Room physician.  “We couldn’t get anything past him.”

However, Howard’s performance though incredible was not perfect.  Forced into overtime, Howard’s teammates were on their last legs.  His teammates were cramping up from dehydration and over-documentation, leaving Howard all alone, and a fresh ER attending managed to squeeze 2 patients, one with new-onset heart failure and another with acute pulmonary embolism, past Howard.

“He approached me with a head of steam both times,” said Howard on the two admissions allowed.  “There was a lot of pace in his arguments.  My reflexes weren’t fast enough.”

Howard’s performance is one for the record books.  Though he is unsure if he will participate in the FIFA World Cup in 2018, members of his hospitalist group already know that his future in Hospital Medicine is looking quite bright.

“We need to learn from this experience and grow,” said Dr. Thompson.  “Who knows where it can lead down the road?  Perhaps a road full of walls instead of sieves.  That’s the future of Hospital Medicine: a world without admissions.  Wouldn’t that be something.”

image_pdfimage_print
  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Oregon_Longhorn

    He won’t be a true legend until he gets Pathology to admit a patient……

  • Avatar
    Kathy Richardson

    Betting they’re more concerned with readmissions than admissions! #nomedicarepayeebuddy

  • Avatar
    Freddie Earl Kency Jr.

    Hilarious!!

  • Avatar
    James M Wilson

    Melanie Roberson
    Freddie Earl Kency Jr.
    Ben Boni
    Chris Snitchler

  • Avatar
    Ofelia Massengale

    good good good

  • Avatar
    Ofelia Massengale

    good good good

  • Avatar
    Andrew Tan

    Be a wall!

  • Avatar
    Michelle Guillen Renshaw

    John Renshaw

  • Avatar
    Anna Welcome

    Funniest post ever! Laughed so hard in public, people looking at me!

  • Avatar
    Taha Kass-Hout

    here are the 16 saves mapped http://t.co/J7KHFPEobj #WoldCup

  • Avatar
    Rissa Stackhouse

    L M A O

  • Avatar
    Rishi

    “…practicing defensive medicine.” Lol!

  • Avatar
    Karen Vmd

    Lmao hilarious. If only I were as talented as he is

  • Avatar
    Veronica Nicole Fries

    That’s my favorite pt(NOT). Particular at 4:30am; HELLO? You woke them up at freakin thirty in the morning! I would be altered, too!!

  • Avatar
    Ator Yacoub

    Becky Thai. Notice Endocrinology still hasn’t admitted.

  • Avatar
    Colleen Begley

    Even Rheumatology admitted a patient, their first admission since 1972. lol

  • Avatar
    Rebecca Seifried

    Amy Stratton

  • Avatar
    Angie Stratton

    I bet on his next shift he could get a SNF to take back the non verbal bed bound dementia pt whose baseline is A&Ox1 they sent for over for “MS changes”.

  • Avatar
    Mary Stoffel

    And Laborist Group…

  • Avatar
    Kathy Roche

    Gotta love this.

  • Avatar
    Becky Thai

    Ator Yacoub Irina Crook

  • Avatar
    Marc Helms

    great punt jackie, for the score and win!

  • Avatar
    Lesley T. Lastufka

    Best article yet!

  • Avatar
    Maria Westbeld Thomas

    That made me chuckle :)

  • Avatar
    Christy Moseley Kathke

    Belal Khokhar take notes!

  • Avatar
    Betsy O’Herron Tolbert

    Hysterical

  • Avatar
    Dien Duong

    Great one Hien. I think our hospital hospitalist just snatched him for their group

  • Avatar
    Christina Annette Valentine

    This is amazing! Lol

  • Avatar
    Merryn Partridge

    I laughed so hard coffee just came out of my nose!

  • Avatar
    Shelly-Ann Dinglehopper

    lmao I’m stealing this

  • Avatar
    Jacki Ketchman

    So funny!

  • Avatar
    Ward Crittendon

    well done, folks

  • Avatar
    Karen Allen Creme

    Awesome!!!

  • Avatar
    Shari Brandli

    Ooo…tres timely! LOL!

  • Avatar
    Sarah Jane Williams

    This is amazing!

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

You May Also Like

How Unfortunate: Thai Soccer Team Leaves AMA, Stuck in Cave Again

522SharesCHIANG RAI, THAILAND – The world rejoiced when a brave team of cave divers ...

aed

AEDs to Start Offering Songs to Time CPR

2.2KSharesHOUSTON, TX – Heart Tech, a prominent manufacturer of automated external defibrillators (AEDs), announced ...

COWS (Computers on Wheels) Banned from Local Hospital

4KSharesRecent outrage at a teaching hospital in Oklahoma City has resulted in the removal ...

zombie

Brave Campaign Bars Zombies from the ICU

67SharesPARMA, OH – It all started when an episode of AMC’s The Walking Dead played on ...