Amidst World Cup Fever, Physician Issues Yellow Card

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ATLANTA, GA – An area hospitalist Dr. Jonathan Williams amidst the excitement of the FIFA World Cup in Brazil, has issued a yellow card to patient Dorothy Stevenson in Room 6145.

“She gave me no choice,” Dr. Williams stated.  “She had already committed two fouls this morning: demanding double portions when she’s NPO and then asking for Dilaudid.  When the nurse called me because she tripped over her IV pole on purpose, I had to pull out the yellow.  You can’t dive like that.”

Ms. Anne Ryan, the nurse for Mrs. Stevenson, agrees.  “I’ve been doing this for decades.  It was a flop, a definite flop.”

Other medical staff and patients seem to agree that Mrs. Stevenson flopped and are showering her with a chorus of boos with every chance they get.

Mrs. Stevenson was admitted late last night for “pain all over.”  Though she looked forward to a prolonged hospital stay, a yellow card this early in the hospitalization will undoubtedly cause her to play the rest of the hospital course more conservatively than usual.  She was reminded by Dr. Williams that one more yellow will lead to an abrupt ejection from the hospital.

Mrs. Stevenson still disagrees.  “I’m hungry and I’m in pain.  With all these IVs and heart monitors, it’s no surprise that I tripped.  It wasn’t a flop.  You see it all the time.  Terrible call.”

Over the past few months, several cases have been reviewed by both hospital administration and FIFA and have overturned so-called flops.  Most flops have been attributed to unrestrained demented patients with a urinary tract infection.  However, there was a recent controversy involving a man sitting in a chair who quickly fell onto the floor.  His physician called it a flop.  The patient ended up suffering an acute myocardial infarction.

Mrs. Stevenson does have a history of being a repeat offender.  During the 2006 World Cup in Germany, she drew a yellow card for being caught binging on sodas in the cafeteria during an admission for diabetic ketoacidosis.  During the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, she drew a controversial red card for headbutting a chaplain and was ejected.

Dr. Craig Watson, a colleague of Dr. Williams, says that his colleague’s in-hospital officiating is usually fair and judicious.  “He usually let’s the patients play it out.  If he pulls out a card, then the patient likely deserved it.”

Mrs. Stevenson plans to appeal the decision.  In the meantime, she is petitioning the patient advocate for a neutral physician who will give her Dilaudid.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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    Cindy Burns

    So funny!

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