DENVER, CO – Historically hospitals have struggled to stay afloat, and have strived to maintain adequate staffing. Looking for answers, hospital administrators of St. Mary’s Hospital just had to look anywhere for funds.
“I was attending a Colorado Rockies Game, hoping for another Rocktober, when I realized the name of the field was Coors Field!” proclaimed CFO Joseph Hatrup. “Genius! Hospital sponsorship. I called up Coors the next day and asked how we could make a deal work.””
After consulting with his hospitalist, they decided to rename the “banana bag” the “Coors Light Silver Bullet Vitamin Bag.”
“Chiquita has been riding that gravy train for too long. Looking back we should have played both sides, perhaps ending up with a bidding war,” Hatrup stated.
“In perfect product placement, we get our name to the right people,” Pete Coors said responding to the deal, who is responsible for brands Keystone Light, PBR, and Milwaukee’s Best.
Mr. Hatrup didn’t stop there, as he got Sports Authority to sponsor the MRI scanner. “Patients have felt much better when they hear they are going to get a Sports Authority Scan.” The hospital even has a “CT Scan at Best Buy Radiology.” That one is a little more confusing because people have actually shown up at a local Best Buy hoping to get their outpatient CT scan.
In another separate deal inked last week, to earn extra income for the hospital, nurses are required to enter a room with credit card applications and concession treats around his or her neck, like a 1940s cigarette girl. “Sir, may I interest you in applying for the ‘St. Mary’s Visa?’ You earn points on your stay here and also prescribed medications? Or how about some of our gourmet chocolates where it doesn’t count against your NPO status.”
“We had to bend the rules on NPO status,” the CFO explained. “If it makes us more money to cut corners, then typical surgery rules will have to be broken. Anesthesiologists will just have to deal with it. We sign their checks for heaven’s sakes.”
Drug companies are not allowed to sponsor anything medical but the law is silent on corporations, who also happen to be people. “Walk into any major medical center,” Hatrup tried to further his point, “rich donors get their names plastered up on wings and buildings, even hospitals. If corporations are people, they have the same rights. The right to pay for sponsorship.”
The lab is also getting in on the action: the basic metabolic panel is now called a “BMP by Gatorade” and a pregnancy test is “Trojan’s Condoms Hopefully Not Pregnancy Screen.” They have yet to find a sponsor for autopsies, but 1-800-Flowers might be making a bid.
Some endorsements have been criticized including, the hospice wing now being called “Expedia Vacations Hospice Ward.” The inpatient psych ward has been renamed “Southwest Airlines’ Inpatient Psych Floor: ‘Wanna get away?'” ICU admissions now come with unlimited waffle fries from Chick-fil-A with purchases of a 12-piece nuggets, even on Sundays.
Overall the new sponsorship strategy has been paying off large dividends and the hospital is now entering the black.
The administration is just days away from securing a deal where nurses wear various patches on their scrubs. Minimum number of flare will be 37.