SAN JOSE, CA – Chronically overworked ER nurses have complained for months about being overworked. Finally, after months of meetings and discussions new policies have been enacted to address the issues.
Although none of the members of the bureaucratic “action team” elected, have any medical training, they came up with a solution that, according to them, delighted staff.
Mark Turkleberg, hospital vice president of Worker Happiness stated:
“What we realized was the nurses simply did not have enough time. However, when we eliminated the need to go to the bathroom, eat, or drink, nurses had an extra 10 minutes per hour. Initially this seemed a perfect solution, but they still wanted coffee, so we added the caffeine drip, problem solved.”
Turkelburg continued, “All we ask is that nurses come into their shifts an extra half an hour early, unpaid of course, put a Foley catheter into themselves, start an IV on themselves, and begin their TPN/caffeine drip for their shift. Now they can work their entire shift continuously without being burdened by taking breaks. Everyone’s happy!”
Nurses, according to Turkleburg, are delighted with this new policy.
“Are you f***ing kidding me?” exclaimed one delighted nurse in “delight.”
“I swear, I’m going to kill him. Seriously, I’m saving succinylcholine in a syringe for him,” said another satisfied nurse, happily inserting her own foley.
“I just hope he has to come to the ER soon,” yet another nurse exclaimed with joy. “He’s getting a rectal tube, an NG-tube, and a Foley regardless. I don’t care if he sprained his damn ankle.”