lab test

BETHESDA, MD – Researchers at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) are giddy over a fantastic new blood test that can only be described as “amazeballs.”  It is a new serum a**hole a**ay that can predict a patient’s propensity to be an … well, you know.

20976887_m“Don’t you hate it when you see a patient who initially seems like a nice guy but then it turns out he’s a huge f**king a**hole?” asked well-respected NIH researcher Landon Jones.  “I know I do.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have a blood test that you could do right in the ED or in clinic and know if a guy’s going to be a huge pain in the neck?  That was the basis for developing this test.”

Health care practitioners love, love, LOVE the new a**ay.  When asked to comment, every single health care practitioner in the United States uttered the same exact two words emphatically: “F**KING BRILLIANT.”

According to initial studies, the serum a**hole a**ay is highly sensitive and highly specific when it comes to ruling out or ruling in A-holes, respectively.  Though reference ranges will likely change over time, particularly with the release of more sensitive and more specific serum a**hole a**ays, these are the ones Jones and his research team have been currently using to classify patients:

  • < 2.5: Nice Guy (Not an A**hole)
  • 2.5 to 5.0: Quirky But Tolerable
  • 5.0 to 7.5: Kind of a Jerk
  • > 7.5: A**hole
  • > 9.0: Morbid A**hole

“I know these reference ranges are right,” explained Jones, “because I applied them to my own family members.  My brother is a 0 and my father-in-law is a 10 and that’s dead on.  I love my brother, but man, my father-in-law can be such an…”  Jones believes this will be a game-changer and expects the a**ay to be commercially available as early as 2016.  “Unless it is ruined by some pricks in Capitol Hill or by the FDA,” added Jones sardonically.  “Those guys are such…”

Of note, some small observational trials have shown that patients with high serum a**hole levels (1) have a very poor understanding on how to use pain scales, often using numbers greater than 10, and (2) have very low pain detector scores.

Jones and his NIH team are also working on a serum batsh*t crazy (BSC) assay, but that is still very early in the development process.



  • Show Comments

  • Shauna Kidney

    Tonya do you utilize this test often??? Haha

  • Wendy Harmon

    Make sure you draw it in a red top tube.

  • Jennifer Swenson

    Yes Dr… Just calling to notify you of a critical value…lol

  • Jacqueline O’Grady

    Jennifer Daly

  • Carly Ceccarelli

    Brandon Hess, Joseph Stephen, Jeff Armstrong, Doris Herauf, Stephanie Wait, Heather Blasdell, Matthew Zamora

  • Christine Clarke

    You don’t need a blood test, we already know hwo you are.

  • Christina Flynn

    Advise caution, staff members sometimes need care and lord help us all if we ran this screening on staff or physicians.

  • Dianne Benz

    However, will HIPPA prevent the results from being shared with all staff??

  • Kelly Robinson Bernado

    Bahahaha F**KING BRILLIANT!!

  • Louise Bakalov

    Usually a brain CT is the gold standard in ruling out asshole vs bleed

  • Natalia Hernandez-Hidden

    Chatting all those critical values would get old…

  • Mellivora Capensis

    F…ING BRILLIANT I’m >10 but don’t give a s…! Honeybadger don’t care. He’s BSC!

  • Matthew T. Eaton

    I know plenty of people who would break the meter.

  • Julia Weber

    I’m sorry Cole Thomas, we are not offering this test at this time.

  • Marshall McGough

    Mine would be critical for sure they would have to recollect

  • Liz Blackmore Winders

    Can we administer this to our OOP to confirm diagnosis?

  • Helen Aanstoos

    Who needs to do a blood test for such an obvious syndrome?

  • Natalie Lois

    Haha!!! About time they found a test for that!

  • Natalie Lois

    Haha!!! About time they found a test for that!

  • Bogdan Kanar

    Buy stock in this company ;)

  • Bogdan Kanar

    Buy stock in this company ;)

  • Judith A Meinke

    Don’t we all wish.

  • Jessika Stahl

    Marjorie DeStefano

  • Cathy Carpenter Carelli

    Gotta love modern medicine!

  • Jessica Simpson Cornett

    Teresa Reed what do you know, I got it too.

  • Megan Lorge

    Jenny Nelson Mandy Friedl

  • Teresa Reed

    Snuffalupagus Jessica Simpson Cornett

  • Jessica Simpson Cornett

    Teresa Reed I don’t need a blood test to diagnose you with that, you got it for sure.

  • Teresa Reed

    Jessica Simpson Cornett

  • Kathleen Bylsma


  • Jessica Marshall

    Haha very true!! It would just back up what we already know!

  • Austin Opitz

    Hahaha that is hilarious!! Although I don’t think we need a blood test for me. I’ve proven myself time and time again.

  • Jessica Marshall

    Austin Opitz it’s finally here!!

  • Alicia D. Fagan

    too redundant

  • Jane Schwarz

    Jessica Rolling :)

  • Hamed Salhab

    lmao Bashar A Shehadeh gotta follow this site mad funny

  • Nate Schneider

    Latefi Ali

  • Tom Crane

    It’s probably a send out,so you just have to treat as if.

  • Paula Morgan McCorkle

    love it!

  • Jessica Miller

    Maybe it can be sold otc. I have some family to test!

  • Jamie May

    Could make billions charging insurance for this! Oh wait, who has insurance anymore, lol

  • Marietta L. Welch Morhardt

    Does this work for surgeons too?

  • George William Ellsworth

    A test for being a butthole is great, a cure would be even better. When hospital worker wake me up at 2 or 4 am for vitals or at 6 am for a blood draw it would annoy the hell out of me and I know I was not smiling.

  • Adriann Fitzpatrick LaVergne


  • Chelle Gilreath

    finally a test to prove my suspicion

  • Alison Wing

    Is there a point of care for this?

  • Jose Antonio Bello

    Mine is out the roof

  • Charlene Noll

    Megan Burke Maia Aitken the SAA has use!!!!

  • Jenny Lynn

    Correlation with Serum Entitlement levels = 1.

  • Becky Ellsworth

    Oh if this was only true

  • Cara Ryan Riley

    I would like this drawn on all patients prior to their first visit

  • Kristy Ammons

    Donnie Ammons

  • Mary Jo Stine Winfrey

    This is a must!

  • Adrienne Kittridge

    I have a few patients today with abnormal labs! They’re off the charts!

  • Steve Roshia Jr.

    I want my unit to get with the times and get a protime calculator and a finger stick cbc reader but i will be retired by then

  • Steve Roshia Jr.

    Fibromyalgia the “cant work wont work” disorder

  • Vadim Korkhov

    Oh it’s a test on patients. I thought it was meant to be applied to some doctors.

  • Steve Roshia Jr.

    There is a test called fm/a but its the closest thing and cannot with certainty confirm the diagnosis it doesnt exclude a myriad of other things basically about as close as a cbc diagnosing a uti

  • Steve Roshia Jr.

    Lol speaking of blood tests i was having it out with a liberal social welfare wealth redistribution supporter and cited fibromyalgia being a epidemic in people who are on welfare they told me a simple blood test diagnoses it aaaand then i told them i was a nurse and the color drained from their face. There is no blood test

  • Leslie Witt

    Cara Ryan Riley

  • Shannon Cox

    Love the bat shit crazy, I use that term frequently

  • Sue Shelton

    If we could request the results PRIOR to admitting someone, that would be great…

  • Scott Malone

    I was wondering about these lab orders I have been seeing: CBC, BMP, AHP, and TSH. Lol

  • Karen Allen Creme

    we could do this as a breath test on admit…

  • Debbie Rowe

    Which could TOTALLY support our drive for aerosolized lorazepam. Clinical correlation needs, of course.

  • Debbie Rowe

    Be great to spin this at bedside with a K+ and crit :D Truly Amazeballs!

  • Capone GiGi

    POC testing is just what I was thinking too Elena! Could even use it in coworkers and visitors in a pinch.

  • Janet Rudd

    Finally, we can get some codes for this diagnosis, too!

  • Susan Rivers Mulanax

    Although im pretty sure we can all gauge that very well without a serum level.

  • George Murray

    This is usually easily assessed within the first 30-45 seconds of triage.

  • Susan Marian Haas

    Oh Rujin

  • Morgan Smith

    In my own clinical experience, random serum asshole levels are never as sensitive or specific for the described condition as serial fibromyalgia levels. Check it out in NEJM next month.

  • Shawn Randall Felts

    Jaysun Cousins this needs to be included in NIPS triage.

  • Sheri Lochridge Connett

    We can usually diagnose based on symptoms.

  • Christine Godwin

    I wonder if we can get an iStat cartridge to do this at the bedside lol

  • Elena Clifford

    That should be part of Point of Care Testing. Especially at triage in the ER. Blood Glucose? Check. EKG? Check. AHL? Double check

  • Jonathan Donevant


  • Andy Hamill

    Ryan Price

  • Christine Shaffer

    Need a phlebotomist at the entryway of the hospital to measure family members’ levels at arrival…

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