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ATLANTA, GA – It is generally accepted that hand-washing with soap and water is the best way to reduce microbes and avoid infections.  Hand sanitizers with at least 60% alcohol content is a good alternative option if soap and water are not available.  However, a recent study in the American Journal of Hand Hygiene and Hand Hygiene Only (AJHHHHO) found that hand sanitizers with at least 90% of mom’s saliva used by staff in 4,102,238 long-term care facilities showed a statistically significant reduction of all infections compared to handwashing or alcohol-based hand sanitizers alone.

"Yeas honey I've drooling on that napkin all night. Your vitiligo is cured."
“Yes, honey, I’ve been drooling on that napkin all night.  Your vitiligo is cured.”

With the possibility of a major paradigm shift in how we take care of our dirty selves just around the corner, GomerBlog turned to the one expert we know, cornered him, and then begged, pleaded, and paid him to answer a few questions.

What is the active ingredient in these new hand sanitizers?

“They use mom’s saliva, also known as mom’s spit or mommy spit,” says Trip Stevenson, an infectious diseases physician at the Centers for Saliva Control and Prevention (CSC).  “Remember back when you were a child and you got some schmutz on your face?  Mom would just spit on a napkin and you were as good as new?  Mom’s saliva is a very, very potent antiseptic.  There are small doses of other active ingredients in the sanitizer but they’re dependent on what these moms ate or smoked prior to saliva donation.  Garlic for sure though.  Definitely garlic.”

Which moms are providing the saliva?

“My mom, your mom, Jewish moms, Asian moms, everyone’s mom really,” responds Stevenson.  “There is certainly no lack of motherly spit out there.  That’s the beauty of it.”

How is the saliva collected?

“Numerous ways,” answers Stevenson.  “We’ve had moms drop by company offices to spit into collection vats.  We’ve had moms mail in Ziploc bags, wine bottles, or soaked rags full of it.  We’ve even had Saliva Drives, where we set up camp at malls or other major events and have mothers come in and spit into special donation boxes.”

What bugs can be prevented with mom’s saliva?

Stevenson explains: “Unlike ethyl alcohol hand sanitizers, mom’s saliva is effective against all bacteria, viruses, and fungi including Cryptosporidium, Clostridium difficile, and norovirus.  Bugs don’t stand a chance any more.  They’re screwed really.  Mom’s saliva removes, inactivates, paralyzes, and destroys all germs and some mammals on contact.  It can be used on hands visibly soaked with blood, stool, and any other bodily excretions.  Soap and water has competition.  Amazing stuff.”

What is the best way to use mom’s saliva?

“Use fifteen to twenty squirts of the hand sanitizer for it to work properly,” demonstrates Stevenson.  “Rub your hands together vigorously as if trying to rub off your skin, get the nails, and keep going until the spit’s dried.  One tip: make sure you get that one spot right there on the corner of your mouth before your mom sees it… nope, not quite… no, the other side…  there, yeah, yeah, now you got it!”

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What are the side effects?

“The most common side effect is social embarrassment to a child when applied by his or her mother in public, even if the child is already a grown adult.  If left on the skin for a prolonged period of time, mom’s saliva on rare occasion can cause third-degree burns and desquamation.”

Any other hand sanitizers we might expect down the line?

Stevenson nods.  “One pharmaceutical company is working really hard on a hand sanitizer with 50% king cobra venom.  Really cutting-edge stuff.  Though I’m excited to see what the studies show, enrollment has been disappointing.”

Operating rooms are now hiring moms to just spit all over the procedure area instead of the antiquated chlorhexidine prep.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.