SCOTTSDALE, AZ – After three mediocre years on the Tour, 28-year-old PGA pro Blake Johnson announced that he is calling it quits and starting a new career in hospital administration.

PGA pro turns hospital administrator
“Time to play more golf and make more money”

Johnson explained his rationale with refreshing candor at a press conference yesterday.  “I made 1.2 million last year on the tour and spent much more time away from my family than with them.  The travel schedule is grueling and the competition is brutal.  After three years, I realized that I was just an average tour pro, and I wasn’t moving up at all.  It was natural for me to ask myself if it is really worth all that travel and stress.”

Johnson had an epiphany while watching the local news last month.  “I saw that CEO Tom Richardson of Arizona Health made 6.3 million last year, and I see him in the clubhouse at my country club all the time.  After reviewing tee-time sheets, I learned that he plays about four rounds per week, which is more than I play on the tour.  That is over $30K per round, or about $1,700 per hole played.”

“Hell, the top pros don’t make money like that.  Plus, there is no stress.  When an administrator plays a round with a Senator or insurance company CEO, it helps to miss a few putts and lose on purpose.  Letting the other guy win is much more likely to secure a huge kickback.  It actually pays more to lose than to win.  I know my future new job is the right one for me – it’s a no-brainer.”

Johnson has already enrolled in hospital administration, hospitality, and Swiss cheese model online degree programs at The University of Phoenix and expects to graduate in 6 months.

Jake Ho
After 10 years spent fighting the unwinnable war that is Emergency Medicine in America, an "ER doctor" left medicine altogether and joined a Buddhist temple in Tibet, changing his name to "Jake Ho." He found the peaceful solitude he achieved to be the antithesis of years spent dealing with unreasonable requests and reprimands from patients, families, hospital administrators, and consultants. The vows of celibacy and silence he took are largely mitigated by the blogging and internet porn made possible thanks to the temple's excellent Wi-Fi connection.