wolfgang turkey

Hospital Hires Wolfgang Puck to Design Turkey Sandwiches for ED Lunch Trays

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DALLAS, TX – DOA Hospital group in Frisco, Texas unveiled a new initiative in partnership with Wolfgang Puck to provide “therapeutic gastronomy” for ED patients at their hospitals.  These turkey-based sandwiches will combine mood-improving pharmaceuticals and the highest quality ingredients selected by Mr. Puck himself.

wolfgang turkey“We are excited about this initiative,” mumbled a spokeswoman for the hospital chain while scarfing down a sandwich.  “We foresee this taking our quality of patient care to the next level.”

Chef Puck’s personal favorite is a turkey sandwich served with goat cheese spread imbued with crushed Percocet tablets, called “Turkocet.”  One out of 10 of these offerings will come with a wrapper that could also be used as a work excuse.

Some other examples of turkey sandwiches in Chef Puck’s line will include a classic organic, free-range turkey preparation marinated in a balsamic vinegar, raspberry, and Valium glaze served on Kaiser rolls imported daily from Munich Germany.  A turkey, Swiss cheese, and avocado French dip with pesticide-free arugula, pickled daikon radish, and a “Ritalin au jus” will also be on the menu.

Future endeavors will involve a dessert line and a soup course featuring Chef Puck’s famous Dilaudid gazpacho or “Gazpachomorphone.”

In an unrelated story, DOA hospitals later this week will announce mass layoffs of nurses, doctors, housekeeping personnel, and a decrease in capital expenditures previously earmarked to replace the malfunctioning autoclave.  Despite this, DOA states that they expect Press Ganey scores to triple within a week thanks to the new initiative.  They also expect non-emergent ED visits to double around lunchtime for the foreseeable future.

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  • Milli of Dilli

    After picking up the basics of medicine by watching TV shows, I moved to LA, forged a medical school diploma, and somehow found some success in the late 80’s as an event physician for major Hollywood events. However, it all came crashing down while working the 1990 Grammy awards. While “Girl You Know it’s True” was being played live, a stagehand went into cardiac arrest and I was called upon to help. Unfortunately, as I tried to lip-sync CPR instructions, the speaker on my cassette player stopped working and I was exposed for a fraud. After serving time in prison, I went to medical school and residency and I finished training to become an Emergency Medicine physician. Instead of using this training and knowledge for good, I decided to abuse it to become a professional drug seeker. Armed with advanced medical knowledge, my quest remains to go from ED to ED searching out the drug seeker’s Holy Grail: syringes filled with 1mg of hydromorphone, the so-called “Milli of Dilli.” While I am not drug seeking, I have decided to write medical satire posing as a typical First World emergency physician. My website, with my other satirical articles that did not make it into Gomerblog, can be found at http://www.firstworldem.com and my twitter handle is @firstworldem

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Alicia Diaz

    He’d poop on it if there was snow outside too

  • Avatar
    Andrea Stevenson Eskridge

    chux would write a pres ganey survey in crayon and pee in it before he mailed it

  • Avatar
    Alicia Diaz

    Chux wants a turkey sandwich!

  • Avatar
    Stacy Ong

    Turk-ocet sandwiches will increase the number of hungry drug seekers, but watch the patient satisfaction scores soar!

  • Avatar
    Anne Molloy

    This site is too funny

  • Avatar
    Andrea Stevenson Eskridge

    haha Alicia Diaz – its the turkey sandwiches!!!!

  • Avatar
    Victoria LaRocco

    Tiffancy, Kimber, Jessica, Danielle, Leila, Hubert, Robert, Krystal, Gihan, Mike, Ashley, Mike, Ashley, Bobby, Shelly, Shelby, Melinda, Eldon, Shaughn, Kaelen, Vanessa, Emily, Kristen, Link.. We can all relate!

  • Avatar
    Maria Nikolova-Ovcharov

    “…sandwich served with a goat cheese spread imbued with crushed Percocet tablets, called “Turkocet.” One out of 10 of these offerings will come with a wrapper that could be also be used as a work excuse.” :D

  • Avatar
    Valentina Lucaj

    Courtney Hubschmann

  • Avatar
    Astrid Flores

    True story, witnessed last night. A cop sharing the ED turkey sandwich with the inmate he brought in. Faith in humanity restored.

  • Avatar
    April Furney

    I could use the dilauded sandwich right about now. LOL

  • Avatar
    Anita Lambert

    Stand in line…

  • Avatar
    Adrian Miclea

    Turckocet coma and still claiming 10/10 pain

  • Avatar
    Kathleen Bylsma

    Sounds about right.

  • Avatar
    Lori Ouellette

    LMAO

  • Avatar
    Candice Phelps

    Clearly!!! They need Peters advice STAT!!

  • Avatar
    Steph Deter Pickett

    Candice Phelps and Pamela Hetrick, they clearly haven’t tried the bubble packs on L and D!!!

  • Avatar
    Lauren Audrey Licata

    Wait, I think this isn’t as far from the truth as possible. . . there is a Kaiser hospital out west that has a gourmet chef designing the meals. I had read about it in a surgery journal. I’m dead serious- the writer, a surgeon, was shaking his head at his NPO patient for surgery who was annoyed s/he couldn’t try the cuisine.

  • Avatar
    Megan Jones Maserati

    Where’s the Turkocete (turkey + Percocet) sandwich combo that I’ve been pushing?

  • Avatar
    Victoria Trendafilova

    This is the worst post ever! Love it!

  • Avatar
    Layla Jones

    Hilarious

  • Avatar
    Kenji Hamanaka

    People checking in to the ED for a taste of something….. I don’t think that’s happened before.

  • Avatar
    Laurie Williams Hiebert

    That should drive up scores!

  • Avatar
    Anna Ellyson Clark

    I don’t think he ever made any of the sandwiches I ate… :)

  • Avatar
    Karen Schmidt

    or fresh goat’s milk to be given upon mother’s request for newborns mother do not want to breast feed. goats must be cared for by RN’s staffing normal nursery and milked on request

  • Avatar
    Christine Hite

    Anna Ellyson Clark, bringing back any memories?

  • Avatar
    Milton Pound

    Perfectly written! This is why I keep reading Gomerblog!

  • Avatar
    SonyaandSam Crites

    Now that is giving them the pickle! Thanks, Ritz-Carlton for all that training!!

  • Avatar
    Megan Wharton

    Katie Duke

  • Avatar
    Katie Eisterhold

    Linda

  • Avatar
    Sarah Johnstone Russell

    I can’t get enough of the turkey sandwich bit. Could you write something about gourmet organic non GMO sugar free applesauce for giving pills?

  • Avatar
    Donna Swisher Russell

    Don’t give them any ideas!

  • Avatar
    Eric Johnson

    Devin Mone

  • Avatar
    Jennifer Connick

    Erin Perkins

  • Avatar
    Brandy Acklin Bradford

    It’ll be the best slick turkey around!!

  • Avatar
    Wendy Roberts

    Oh Gomerblog, I so love you!

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