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EAST ORANGE, NJ – The Pez candy company announced its first upgraded dispenser design in decades last week, as the candymaker looks to tap into the immense market of opioid-dependent consumers across the globe.

dilaudidpezStarting next month, narcotic lovers can get their fix from the hyperextended neck of their favorite Marvel Comics villian, muppet, or Disney Princess.  The spring-loaded candy dispenser had its dimensions altered to specifically accommodate twenty Percocet or Dilaudid tablets.

William Wonkstein, CEO of PEZ, was reached for comment.  “Sales of our product have soured (pun intended) over the past few years.  Our dispensers do not lend themselves well to dispensing today’s popular chocolate or sour gummy candies.  We knew it was a case of our company either adapting or becoming obsolete.  Pills are perfect for our dispensers, and after learning that 35% of the developed world’s population take chronic narcotics, it didn’t take a marketing genius for us to decide what to do.  We expect huge sales in the U.S., as 65% of Americans are either opioid dependent or outright opioid abusers.”

Pez will market the Marvel villain dispensers to opioid-dependent parents of small children, since the heads of The Joker, Green Goblin, et al will frighten the children away from tampering with them.  “The health and safety of our narcotic dependent consumers and their families is our number one concern,” Wonkstein asserted.

Plans for customized Xanax dispensers with the head of Catwoman are reportedly in the works.  “What better way to appeal to all those sedative-dependent crazy cat ladies?” Wonkstein winked slyly.

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  • Ronnie Smith

    And, when your patient is trying to take their next dose, they can’t accidentally drop all their pills down the sink, which so often happens.

  • Chris Rundquist

    Say it isn’t so

  • Zahra Kent

    Rob Kent

  • Liz Enguidanos

    Lol

  • Donna Perkins

    I think it’s dangerous kids will think it’s candy.

  •  Trudy Angus 

    @johnghughes3 Is this serious? If it is it’s a disaster waiting to happen.

  • Jeri Alcocer

    Why would take a candy dispenser and fill it with meds. This is dangerous.

  • Joe Dovidio

    Jerk Shwerni

  • Anna Quattrucci Keller

    Easter is coming- just sayin’

  • Dr Neeley

    lol seriously?

  • Denise Bishop

    Um this is SATIRE!!!

  • Denise Bishop

    Ya do know this is SATIRE right?????

  • Ramona Queeney

    Dilaudid!! Ha. Brilliant.

  • LaSchell Upshaw Bearden

    I’m waiting for the diaudem dispenser.

  • Rodney Guinn

    Has to be fabricated

  • Kathie Weikel Cole

    I think this is dumb!!! Kids will think it is candy!

  • Monica Tran

    “I was robbed, and all they took was my Pez dispenser.”

  • Sheila Garrison

    Needs to be wider for the Rx label, which doubles capacity, that makes it better!!!

  • Peter Van Tuinen

    Covered by insurance?

  • Victoria McCausland

    haha!

  • Wendy Lomax

    Keep them away from the little ones.

  • Julie Shapiro Levine

    Bwahaha!!

  • Kelly Fabian

    Omg. This makes me soooo happy!!! Maybe they should make the top a lighter so those anxious COPDers can easily access a lighter AND Xanax!! Jon Paul

  • Cyndie Beard

    You do not believe this is a serious site, do you? LOL!

  • Brooke Dorow

    Craig!

  • Hillten Brewton

    I knew had to be a better to carry those pills around.

  • Beth Bowman

    CEO “Wonksrein” :)

  • Linda Barnes

    i love it

  • Marlene Downing

    there is no end to insanity

  • Amber Krajicek Lowe

    Ha! These. Are. Awesome!

  • Ryan Hamelin

    Awesome!

  • Ashleigh Ritchie

    Victoria McCausland Ryan Hamelin

  • Liesel Nelson

    Josh Ingram Kristin McKay

  • Christine Adamec Burrows

    Ya sure…..just what they need!

  • Ashley Celis

    Ruben Celis

  • Aarti Patel

    LOLz

  • Jon Paul

    Kelly Fabian

  • Kristen Clark Trent

    Haha yep

  • Amanda Moore DeJohn

    Paul DeJohn

  • Jonathan Walker

    Kara Bartholomew-Johnson

  • Deb Thomas Hurd

    it’s a joke. Gomer Blog is medical satire.

  • Deb Thomas Hurd

    oh my…my youngest daughter collects Pez dispensers. She has over 100. That makes this even funnier.

  • Ronald Wolniewicz

    Can you think of anything more ridiculous ? and they think children wouldn’t find them intriguing.

  • Stacy Bellamy

    A whole new meaning to “Candy Man”! Lol

  • Ashish Patel

    Aarti Patel Gaurav Ratti

  • Alyson Amelia Walker-Glover

    Ha!

  • Mansoor Jatoi

    Do they gave a fentanyl version?

  • Kristen Clark Trent

    For sure!! Haha

  • Heidi Guinn

    I am gonna see!! LOL!! Talk about satisfied patients!!

  • Kristen Clark Trent

    Haha. Maybe you can order them thru staples! Lol

  • Heidi Guinn

    Kristen Clark Trent this is too funny!! Maybe we can carry them in the clinic!!!

  • Kristen Clark Trent

    Haha Heidi Guinn

  • Natalia Hernandez-Hidden

    But will Medicare cover the additional cost of me having to load it?

  • Sarah Richards

    Mansoor Jatoi – perfect for ️nights!

  • Rich Roberts

    Just like the Rockstar song…pop my pills from a pez dispenser!! Gotta have one

  • Melissa Webb Wescott

    Karla Boyd

  • John Keefer

    Want!

  • Wanda Gonzalez

    Hello Kitty one!

  • Rachel Roberts

    Jenna Strother does your mom have these yet?!!

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