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WASHINGTON, DC – In a closely contested vote, the FDA approved a new medical delivery device this week, the H-Vape 86.  It is an Ativan air diffuser that looks like a Vicks Vaporub humidifier, yet it can do much more.

ativan diffuser
“Narcissistic patient just admitted…lets turn this dial up”

ICU RN Angela Liotta patented the model in 2001.  “I’ve been dreaming of this for so many years.  I just can’t believe it’s finally approved for use.  Now I can quit my day job!”  Liotta developed the idea after watching staff’s frustrations with patients in need of benzodiazepines and families barking orders at the nurses station.

The diffuser sits strategically in front of the charge RN of the floor, away from air return ducts.  The potency of Ativan is regulated by a dial on the back of the diffuser.  As tensions rise such as with yelling patients, high patient-to-nurse ratios, and patients who persistently press the call button every 5 minutes, the dial may be titrated to effect to produce a stronger vapor pressure.

The approved model is equipped for any combination of medication, says Liotta.  “Haldol, Valium, you name it.  It is customizable depending on the craziness of patients you have on your ward.”  Liotta developed the model while watching the progress of e-cigarette technology.  In the future she plans to develop plugins for home use and hookah style for more intimate settings such as the ED fishbowl or hospital staff meetings.

Charge nurse Greg Wilcox had this to say: “The beauty is two fold.  Patients seem to chill out significantly, but even if they don’t, hospital staff’s tolerance for stupidity increases, in effect making things run smoother.  I plan to crank that diffuser way up on my nights, that’s a promise!”

Press Ganey scores are projected to soar as everyone just feels a little bit more chillaxed.  Administration is leery; however, it is projected that many of them will be ditching the suits, donning scrubs, and really pitching in on the floors now.