ST. LOUIS, MO – Expressing that there would be “no greater conceivable opportunity [for her] to help others,” top-of-her-class medical student and part-time brownnoser Isabelle Wessington says she eagerly anticipates a future career in which she, like the many successful physicians she looks up to, will have her very own patients who ignore nearly all health-related advice she gives them.
“When it comes to recommending, let’s say, an obese patient with uncontrolled high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes to, I don’t know, take their medication regularly or exercise at least twice a week,” said the overachiever, “what really motivates me is the thought that, ‘Hey, one day, once I make it through school, that will be my medical advice being ignored.’”
Isabelle, who currently owes over $130,000 in student loans, went on to further explain that once she has completed the combined ~12 years of rigorous education and training required to be a licensed medical doctor, she will be proud to go to work futilely attempting to improve her patients’ heath and well-being.
“I think it will be extremely rewarding,” said the pale and seemingly malnourished second-year medical student, “to reflect on your day and realize that my medical expertise – the culmination of more than a decade of hard work and thousands of tuition dollars – was given the same level of attention by my patients as the Apple Terms and Conditions.”
At press time, Isabelle was found sobbing outside of the medical school library after receiving a reportedly less-than-perfect exam grade. She wonders if this will impact the level of ignoring she will receive from her future patients once she is a board-certified physician.