New Multivitamin Cures Cancer, Heart Disease, Famine, Evil

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SAN DIEGO, CA – A new miracle multivitamin released by pharmaceutical company Pfizer last month has taken the world by storm as it not only cures cancer and heart disease, but also depression, diabetes, influenza, AIDS, exsanguination, decapitation, war, famine, evil, and mortality.  The new multivitamin is called Centrum Panacea.

“We were on a mission to create a better multivitamin,” said Pfizer spokesperson Brita Chapman, now deemed clinically immortal.  “Little did we know we discovered panacea, chocked full of B12, calcium, and vitamin D.”

“Healthcare as a whole needed this discovery,” said excited primary care physician Grace Cooper.  “Once we cure everyone and everything with this multivitamin, we can really drive down health care costs by shutting down healthcare completely.  Medical providers will be obsolete.  And that’s exactly what medical providers want.”

Pfizer researchers were able to successfully transform a Centrum Silver multivitamin into the cure for all of the world’s evils simply by adjusting the proportions of lycopene, pantothenic acid, and molybdenum within each once-a-day tablet.  Researchers knew they were on the right track this past summer when an increase in lycopene cured herpes and gonorrhea and solved the financial crisis and global warming.  Though some consumers may be turned off by the aftertaste of lutein and zeaxanthin, others believe it will be worth the tradeoff of defeating death, disease, and destitution.

However, Pfizer believes the aftertaste issue will be moot next month when they release Centrum Panacea in several new exciting flavors: Strawberry Blast, Grape Galore, Tango Tangerine, Banana Yama, and Orange Storm.

Results from numerous studies published these past few weeks are staggering.  Centrum Panacea is curing heart failure, heart disease, and critical aortic stenosis, rendering cardiac catheterizations and open-heart surgery obsolete.  Oncologists are reporting a cancer cure rate of 100%.  Infectious diseases specialists note total superiority of Centrum Panacea to antiretrovirals (ARVs), antibiotics, vaccines, and hygiene.  In other subspecialties, Centrum Panacea is curing gastrointestinal bleeds, bowel obstructions, menstrual cramps, glaucoma, venous thromboembolism, aging, and pain.  The new multivitamin has even proven to be an effective anesthetic.

Centrum Panacea earned its reputation from providers for being “miraculous” when even patients preferred it over narcotics like Dilaudid.

Rumors are circulating that next month’s issue of JAMA (Journal Against Medical Advice) will feature a landmark study showing that Centrum Panacea is superior to any medication, procedure, or intervention ever invented ever for the treatment of whatever it is being treated.

The United Nations (UN) is holding a press conference at 9 PM tonight and is expected to announce a resounding victory in the fight against war, hunger, famine, suffering, and wrongdoing, before outlining a three-month-long plan to achieve world peace, eternal happiness, and utopia, all thanks to Centrum Panacea.

“And we thought multivitamins were equivocal in their benefit,” commented nutritionist Tanya McPhee.  “Man, were we wrong about that!”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Dan Reynolds

    What about baldness?

  • Avatar
    Gerry Wieder

    Will the house brand work okay too?

  • Avatar
    Helen Allsop

    and I believed the cure all was aloe Vera juice

  • Avatar
    Tamara Jones

    May cause unexpected fecal discharge.

  • Avatar
    Mark Rockwell

    You forgot about your toradol and Ultram allergies.

  • Avatar
    Sonya Addison

    “But I’m allergic to it. Just like I’m allergic to prednisone, benadryl, morphine, codeine, zofran, PCN, sulfa, iodine, shellfish, gluten, levothyroxine, tyelenol, aspirin, topiramate, epiniphrine, albuterol, beta blockers, ace inhibitors, and poison ivy.”

  • Avatar
    Susan Thompson-Dancer

    Ooooh, the essential oil people gonna be made about the vitamins getting their special day in the sun!

  • Avatar
    Nichole Long

    May cause nausea or diarrhea

  • Avatar
    Mark Rockwell

    I know several people who have been selling this under the name “JuicePlus” for some time. I should’ve listened.

  • Avatar
    Elie Ganz

    Side effects include ignorance, douchebaggery and sudden affinity for patchouli.

  • Avatar
    Valerie Quesnot

    It’s because it’s gluten free. Did you hear about that exercise pill? Dr. Oz had it on his show too :P

  • Avatar
    Doug Arenberg

    It causes autism though, so…there is that.

  • Avatar
    Janna Reeves

    Valerie lmao

  • Avatar
    Joe Stuck

    It does all that plus it’s environmentally friendly. If you order now we will ship not one but two bottle for just the cost of your soul.

  • Avatar
    John Metz

    The downside? $84,000 a dose….

  • Avatar
    Fawaz Alsmaan

    I admit though … The girl is hot !

  • Avatar
    Linda K Lagassie

    I won’t believe it till I see it on dr oz

  • Avatar
    Betsy O’Herron Tolbert

    Damn. The essential oil companies are going to be pissed.

  • Avatar
    Shmuli Gman

    And it’s all natural and gluten free

  • Avatar
    Eric Andrews

    Didn’t I see this on Dr Oz the other day?

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