driving to ED

Uber Rolls Out New ED-to-ED Transit Service for Drug Seekers

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PHILADELPHIA, PA – Filling a niche in a market that has been underserved for years, on-demand transportation company, Uber, has rolled out a novel transit service for drug seekers designed to get them from ED to ED more efficiently.  Results for the service, offered 24/7 for local inter-ED transport only, have outpaced even the wildest predictions from experts in the industry.

driving to EDUber founder and CEO, Travis Kalanik, shared with us the following official statement: “As a service to the unfortunate cohort of customer afflicted with intractable pain management needs, we have been excited to offer our exclusive transportation options to this underserved market.  We are thrilled to provide a means for our customers to search for, and receive, as many potential life-saving unique medical opinions and treatment modalities as necessary per day to manage our customers’ various chronic pain afflictions.”

Drug seekers everywhere in Philadelphia have been utilizing this service, sometimes at 4 to 5 to a vehicle.  Previously, seekers had been reliant on calling 911 for ambulances from the hospital waiting room, having enablers among their friends, and occasionally engaging in the act of walking on foot to the next ED, sometimes for several miles, only to suddenly be unable to walk the moment they hit the door.  In fact, drug seekers have expressed a level of enthusiasm over the service not seen since Oxycontin was discovered to be snortable.

“This service is amazing,” exclaimed one enthusiastic user of the service between puffs of her cigarette.  “Previously I was lucky if I could get to 3 to 4 EDs in the same day.  Thanks to this new service, I was able to get to 10 EDs yesterday!  I got 8 scripts for Percocet, 7 IM Dilaudid injections, and more turkey sandwiches than I could count!”

Local hospitals had been concerned that the increased ED utilization among the drug seeking crowd would lead to more unhappy and complaining customers, but this new policy seems to have bucked that trend.  In fact, drug seekers, so happy with the service, have overlooked their disappointment with occasional denial of their meds and seem to appreciate the opportunity to get to the next ED more quickly in order to try their luck again.

Uber has even partnered with local hospitals to install airplane-style tray tables in the back of their vehicles to offer convenient opportunities to fill out Press Ganey surveys.  During the initial promotional period, Uber has been subsidizing a sizable portion the cost of transportation in order to gain market share, further enthusing the notoriously penurious drug-seeking crowd.

This service is not without controversy, however.  Local cab drivers are outraged about the loss of business and have threatened to sue Uber for ruining their 2 AM cash cow.  We contacted the spokesman for Yellow Cab for his comment but, while he said he’d call this author at 3 PM, it is now 5 PM and I haven’t heard from him yet and, frankly, I’m not holding my breath.

If you enjoyed this article, please check out the author’s website First World Emergency Medicine for other great articles.

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  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Michelle Ngoc Tran

    Gomerblog, you guys kill me!!! Still laughing!

  • Avatar
    Sarah Kohrmann

    Brilliant!

  • Avatar
    Hollis Boyd

    Awesome, now I’m just going to uber the patients I don’t want to CHOP!

  • Avatar
    Desiree Dwyer Spellings

    Hahahaha!!

  • Avatar
    Lucy Donlon

    One for you Matt McAlpine!

  • Avatar
    Kathy Kolarik

    Hey, that’s our frequent flyer!

  • Avatar
    Melanie Medina

    Lol

  • Avatar
    Kate Kedziora

    Hollis Boyd :)

  • Avatar
    Ashley Closson

    Brian Nealon

  • Avatar
    Brian Maher
  • Avatar
    Brian Kucera

    Jason Roble

  • Avatar
    Cindy Zegers

    OMG…just OMG!

  • Avatar
    Kelley Purcell

    The fuck??

  • Avatar
    Scott Smith

    Finally!

  • Avatar
    Claudia Cristancho

    Wow…completely fricken ridiculous!

  • Avatar
    Sophie Varnier

    Lana Tiss did you come up with this??

  • Avatar
    Monica Tran

    It’s the Handle Bar Indy in Indianapolis. Hahaha. Google image stolen. Muahaha! #Yoink!

  • Avatar
    Nia Rios

    Omg, too funny!

  • Avatar
    Juliana Morawski

    Is that the Pedal Tavern in Milwaukee?

  • Avatar
    Amber Massey

    Julie Keeton, Ginger Lane Little I think we know folks we can refer ro these services. Lol. If only. .

  • Avatar
    MJ Jones

    This is for those who have worn out their welcome with local volunteer EMS using them as horizontal taxi service.

  • Avatar
    Paula Morgan McCorkle

    Are they responsible if someone OD’s in their car?

  • Avatar
    Nancy Cox

    You forgot to add the ‘one free stop of your choice’ for those who want to pick up smokes at a convenience store en route between ED’s.

  • Avatar
    Haley Johnson

    Becky Schroeder

  • Avatar
    Brad Eisenberg

    Heidi, I’ve done that myself. For the pseudoseizure patients, I make sure to write on the Ativan Rx “Pharmacist: Do Not fill unless Keppra also filled”

  • Avatar
    Deb Harkins

    Awesome!

  • Avatar
    Helen Aanstoos

    But will they take a taxi voucher!

  • Avatar
    Sarah Scholl

    We do that in our ED Heidi

  • Avatar
    Crystal Carter

    OMG….HILARIOUS

  • Avatar
    Crystal Carter
  • Avatar
    David D Lara

    Still won’t pay

  • Avatar
    Carrie Hays Jorgenson

    Alice Camp

  • Avatar
    Brandon Schwartz

    Davek Sharma obamaubercare

  • Avatar
    Christie Lea Kasko

    Veronica Suri

  • Avatar
    Monica Tran

    ER hoppin’ in the house! #Pharmacotourism

  • Avatar
    Melanie Nordlinger

    Should be international terminal at airport—-> ED

  • Avatar
    Amy Goulet

    Haha!!

  • Avatar
    Terry N Teresa Rolan

    And the drivers are equipped with scissors to cut off the wrist bands.

  • Avatar
    Debbie Reindel

    Emergency department

  • Avatar
    Jesse Herrera

    Daphne Blake Russell SteitleCourtney Wallace Celina Plant Sandra Lopez Ann Ford Liza Ann Seth Bruton Nicole Marcrum Patek Denise Brown Amy Anderson

  • Avatar
    Joann Reichwein Letzo

    Wow!!

  • Avatar
    Florence Brun Tirakayos

    Wtf is ED?

  • Avatar
    Melissa Morningstar Jordan

    Hahahhaha! I’m allergic to NSAIDs and Ultram LOL

  • Avatar
    Becky Newton

    Eva Avino Willauer you will appreciate this!

  • Avatar
    Gretchen Parker

    Haha

  • Avatar
    Casey Roberson Shaver

    Katrina Denton hahaha!!

  • Avatar
    Debi Darling

    This is sooooo wrong yet my sides still hurt from laughing!

  • Avatar
    Debbie Hilbert

    Do they also help remove the EKG sensors between stops?

  • Avatar
    Landall Hathorn

    Yes, and the countless antibiotic prescriptions for 12/10 dental pain.

  • Avatar
    Fred Manno

    Outstanding!!!

  • Avatar
    Alicia Rincon

    Courtney Sackash

  • Avatar
    Amanda Moore DeJohn

    Paul DeJohn

  • Avatar
    Don Noel Jr.

    Ride also comes with an upgraded turkey sandwich to give the service an advantage over Lyft.

  • Avatar
    Kathleen McGinnis

    Finally!

  • Avatar
    Kathy Freeman Young

    Great

  • Avatar
    Brad Eisenberg

    Do they also help to dispose of the Naproxen and Tramadol scripts accumulated throughout the rest of the day?

  • Avatar
    Tamara Vincent Creel
  • Avatar
    Angie Flesher

    Bahahaha…

  • Avatar
    Tara Lagnese

    Kelley Purcell

  • Avatar
    Shannon Kay

    Kathy Freeman Young

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