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ATLANTA, GA – Although they are a relatively new phenomenon, electronic cigarettes are a slightly healthier alternative to traditional combustible and inhaled tobacco products.  Particularly eye-opening is a new study from the American Cancer Society which shows that E-cigarette smokers are already outliving age-and health-matched cohorts who consume their tobacco the old-fashioned way.  The study goes on to chillingly predict that douchebags will become the majority in America by the year 2050.

e-cigarettes
Pausing for dramatic effect

Atlanta douchebag Chaz “Cheezee” Simpson was reached for comment regarding the news.

“This ain’t no surprise.  Vape-heads are survivors, and I got mad vapes, yo,” Simpson articulated while carefully tilting his straight-brimmed, mint-condition Miami Dolphins hat.  He then stroked his meticulously trimmed “chin-strap” goatee, pausing for effect, then added, “The Hummer is loaded with vapes, baby.  If you ain’t into vapes, Pit Bull, and legions of ladies on yo, then warm up ya legs and get walkin.”

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Jake Ho
After 10 years spent fighting the unwinnable war that is Emergency Medicine in America, an "ER doctor" left medicine altogether and joined a Buddhist temple in Tibet, changing his name to "Jake Ho." He found the peaceful solitude he achieved to be the antithesis of years spent dealing with unreasonable requests and reprimands from patients, families, hospital administrators, and consultants. The vows of celibacy and silence he took are largely mitigated by the blogging and internet porn made possible thanks to the temple's excellent Wi-Fi connection.