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LONDON, ENGLAND – Earth’s inner core has tested positive for the novel coronavirus, Gomerblog reports.

This is grave news for those holding hope that coronavirus is seasonal considering temperatures at Earth’s center are conjectured to be around 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit, similar to the temperature of the surface of the sun. In fact, analysis of seismic waves and the planet’s magnetic field suggest COVID-19 might actually be replicating 1,000,000 times faster in the inner core’s iron-nickel alloy compared to Earth’s surface, this despite the inner core having no bat or human hosts.

Scientists worry that if the inner core becomes overrun with COVID-19, there is the real threat the Earth might explode and unleash coronavirus on the rest of the universe, in which case the onus will be on extraterrestrial lifeforms to “flatten the curve.”

The inner core has been asked to practice social distancing, staying at least 6 feet from the Earth’s outer core, mantle, and crust for at least the next 14 days.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.