CHICAGO, IL – Burger King and Hilton have merged together and plan to finish construction shortly on a new state of the art hotel, “King Hilton” that will serve as a 10,000 room hospital in downtown Chicago.
CEO of King Hilton, Ms. Rachelle Waters, is ecstatic to cut the ribbon to the front door next week. “King Hilton will change the way we deliver healthcare in Chicago and in the United States,” proclaimed Waters. “We have taken the ‘Have It Your Way’ motto and applied it to one of the greatest hotels ever, The Hilton. Hospitality and catering to patients will be our primary goals.”
The hotel plans to hire 4,800 administrators to ensure spectacular healthcare for the facility. To accommodate costs for the almost 1:2 ratio of administrators to patient rooms, plans are in place to hire only 90 nurses and 24 physicians to implement the administrator’s plans and ideas.
Coding Administrators will be on every floor and will follow all physicians and nurses to ensure proper documentation and coding. “Our ICD-10 coding will be so meticulous, almost to a micromanaging level, with watching every entry physicians and nurses make during the week,” said Waters. “This way we will ensure maximum reimbursement. We have already developed apps capable of figuring out codes that produce more revenue. If there is a disagreement between the physician’s diagnosis and the administrator’s code, well we will of course go with the more lucrative coding from the administrator.”
The Patient Satisfaction Administrators will be strategically placed throughout the hospital greeting every patient coming through the door. Attached to survey clipboards will be candies, vouchers for free Whoopers, and passcodes to Netflix.
The Wi-Fi Administrators will help to ensure that Wi-Fi capability is working on every floor and every room, maintaining speeds capable of streaming the complimentary Netflix and HBO in every room on new 4K Ultra HD 60″ TVs with Bose surround sound.
Nurses will be expected to provide clean sheets, pillow turn down service anytime the patients want, sponge baths, unlimited access to opioids of choice, urinal removal and emptying, and of course unlimited food and drink service from the 7 restaurants in the hospital 24/7. This will also include any guests that may be visiting.
Doctors are expected to provide prescriptions for any narcotic the patient wants, antibiotics for all infections in particular viral ones, work excuse notes, signed disability claim statements, hover round prescriptions, and handicap passes for any and all patients that ask for them.
Patients will be monitored for their Press Ganey scores continuously throughout their stay and more vouchers and pampering will occur if scores dip low. If a Press Ganey code is called overhead, a Press Ganey code team made up of 4 administrators will swoop in the rescue with gifts and food.
Even ventilated patients that want to smoke while at King Hilton will be able to with a new smoking attachment. This device allows those ventilated patients craving a cigarette a way to satisfy themselves.
“We are trying to take the thinking out of medicine,” said Waters. “Standardizing our medical care is our top priority at King Hilton. We all know that the patient is at the center of their care and they know best. Plus they hold the power for our reimbursements so we must appease them.”