nurse spies

JCAHO Recruits “Nurse Spies”

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WASHINGTON, DC – A reliable source tells GomerBlog that JCAHO is unhappy about too many hospitals passing their inspections and has started to build a network of spy nurses to rat out other nurses for infractions like having uncovered drinks at nurses stations.  This will improve job security for JCAHO surveyors and officials.

nurse spiesThe first nurse spy is Donna North (not her real name).  Donna was a professional car thief who was facing a twenty-year sentence for grand larceny.  The prosecutor had a JCAHO official in his family.  He arranged for JCAHO to meet with Donna and a deal was hammered out. J CAHO would put Donna through nursing school and get her a job in a hospital. D onna would repay JCAHO by acting as an informant.

So far, Spy Nurse Donna North has helped to flunk fifteen hospitals on JCAHO inspections.  She has reported seven uncovered cups of coffee, three small bottles of aspirin not locked down, a food stain on a pair of scrubs, thirty-six unapproved abbreviations in charts and twenty-five charts on counters, not behind desks.  Getting creative and wanting to stay out of prison, Donna has reported thank you cards in a couple of units that could harbor bacteria.

The spy nurse experiment was considered a success and JCAHO plans to have more than a hundred others employed across the country by 2020.

“We have made deals with used car salespeople, busted politicians and a few unlicensed street vendors.  All of them were in danger of losing their freedom and jumped at the chance to get a free nursing education in exchange for becoming JCAHO spies,” says the Joint Commission’s Rex Harbinger, VP of Legal Affairs.

Some hospitals have started to look closer at the backgrounds of people applying for jobs.  Administrators suspect that JCAHO will branch out beyond nurses with security spies, cafeteria spies, and others.

Lord Have Mercy Hospital’s CEO Sylvia Werth told a meeting of execs, “We need to stay one step ahead of JCAHO and it’s harder than fighting MRSA and needle sticks.  But we will win.”

Neverkidd enjoys writing for GomerBlog because that lets him continue this unbroken record of never kidding.  He is the author of “True Tales from a Physician Assistant,” which he wrote using a random pen name, available on Amazon here.

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