AUBURN, AL – “This is absolute horsesh*t,” said family medicine attending Renata Bellows, as she read over her intern’s progress note. “This is terrible. So terrible.” She shook her head over and over again as she penned her addendum: “I saw and examined the patient with the intern but I absolutely DO NOT agree with the plan as documented above.”
“This might be the worst progress note ever written ever,” Bellows said aloud. “There’s no physical exam section. Are you kidding me? There’s no date and time either. And what do you mean we’re going to call ID? The patient doesn’t even have a fever. He had an NSTEMI! He doesn’t even mention the heart, let alone NSTEMI. Why is constipation your FIRST problem?!”
Bellows’ masterful streak of 13,562 consecutive progress notes cosigned in agreement comes to a bitter end.
“Unless we want to make this patient hypoglycemic and dead,” continued Bellows, “there’s no way we’re giving him 10,000 units of Lantus tonight. Was he not listening on rounds, in medical school? Aspirin 426 mg and Plavix 79 mg? Is he pulling these doses out of his… WTF, what the hell is an oral Foley or an anal IV??!! And why does he want a scrotal swab?”
Bellows was aghast when she saw her intern didn’t appreciate cardiology’s recommendations. That was the last straw. “You must ALWAYS appreciate the subspecialists!” screamed Bellows, visibly shaken. “This is a hospital! We’re not cavemen!”
Nurse Emma Johnson walked by Bellows, consoling her as best she could. “That intern of yours, is something, huh?”
“Finally!” Bellows responded, thanking Johnson for not implementing any of her intern’s plan. “Someone I can actually agree with!”