medicine resident
7.7K Shares

BALTIMORE, MD – A third-year medicine resident at Johns Hopkins University, Geno Smulison, completely exhausted from a busy inpatient teaching service this month and struggling to stay afloat with two interns off today, decided at 7:55 PM he had only one option to get all of his notes done and leave before midnight: write about all 15 patients in 1 progress note.

medicine resident
“I gotta get home tonight”

“You can’t argue with that form of efficiency,” said supervising attending Donald Thomas.  “Unorthodox?  Yes.  But as long as all the information’s there.”

“The patients complain and don’t complain about chest pain, shortness of breath, fevers, and cough,” writes Smulison in his subjective, while thinking about a burrito or maybe ordering in pizza for dinner.

“Everyone has pain, but no one has had a bowel movement.  They collectively had a tough night.  Some are feeling better, some are feeling worse, and some are the same.  One of them had hemoptysis.”

“I mean, he covers all of the complaints,” said Thomas.  “No problem from my standpoint.”

Smulison continues onto his objective, dreaming of a nice long hot shower, assuming the water wasn’t shut off for forgetting to pay rent.

“Vital signs range from normal to abnormal,” writes Smulison, his handwriting a little sloppier.  “This includes fevers, hypotension, marked hypertension, bradycardia, tachycardia, and hypoxemia.  Physical exam reveals obesity and cachexia.  There are many lymph nodes.  Three nasogastric tubes.  Many heart sounds and murmurs, or lack thereof.  Patients are dry, volume overloaded, and euvolemic.  Lungs are clear with wheezes, crackles, and occasional accessory muscle use.  Abdomens are soft, tense, hard, flat, distended, quiet, hyperactive, with and without rebound and guarding.  One positive Murphy’s sign.  Foleys are sometimes present.  Many are appropriate, many are inappropriate.  Neurologic exams are highly variable.  Someone has a wound with a dressing.”

Smulison added: “Labs note some interesting stuff.”

Smulison wraps up his note, thinking of maybe setting his alarm for 6:30 AM, though that might be pushing it, but you know what, why the hell not?

“Assessment and plan,” Smulison eagerly notes, sensing the finish line is near.  “These are 15 patients of numerous ages and backgrounds presenting with a constellation of symptoms and signs concerning for either something acute, subacute, acute on chronic, or none these at all and are merely placement versus drug-seeking.  In general, they’re getting better, though 1 went to the intensive care unit.  Continue current management, which may or may not include labs, imaging, invasive procedures, consultations, medications, transfusion, and a family meeting.  Transfer the transferable.  Discharge the dischargeable.  Intensify bowel regimens.”

Triumphant, Smulison signed and dated the note.

“Bravo!” lauded Thomas, as he proudly agreed and co-signed his resident’s remarkable meta-note.  “I’m really impressed.  He pulled it off under very difficult circumstances.”

Copies were made of the note and the meta-note was placed in all 15 charts.  As word spread of Smulison’s brilliant performance under pressure, his medical colleagues met him with a standing ovation as he exited the premises.

Smulison walked out of the hospital at 8:15 PM.

Sources close to GomerBlog reveal that he is leaning towards pizza tonight, maybe pepperoni.  However, Smulison has yet to confirm or deny these reports, citing this as a “personal matter” and requests that the media respect his privacy in the matter.

image_pdfimage_print
7.7K Shares

Tags:

  • Show Comments

  • Andrew Tan

    Wbat

  • Andrew Tan

    There are many lymph nodes. Awesome, love it.

    Then tomorrow he can copy and paste the same note!

  • Shan Flatt

    Katie Marie, just start doing this!

  • Vivek Adike

    Sounds like a hospitalist’s real world out there !!

  • Gomerblog

    True dat!

  • Onewho ComesfromRavensburg

    I would just like to be able to physically write on a chart again…

  • Rachel Zerilli

    lmao

  • Frances Corsino-Nelson

    Word

  • Alex Lin

    He obviously has never done an orthopedic round

  • Kathryn Weber

    I laughed so hard I cried. Awesome!

  • Kenneth Hammonds

    Now that’s efficiency. The only thing more efficient would be to use abbreviations like Ortho does.

  • Jessica Firman

    Rachel Zerilli- here’s a thought!

  • Katesel Strimbeck

    Sounds like Shem’s book ” House of God” and turfing.

  • Mark Mendelow

    Meester E Champ

  • Gomerblog

    That is hilarious! Didn’t even see that!

  • Deepika Naina Rao

    “Everyone has pain, but no one has had a bowel movement.” Hahahaha SO TRUE.

  • Heather Leigh

    The best thing about this articles photo is the ‘residents’ coke nail.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

7.7K Shares