Med Student Performs History & Physical on Broken Fax Machine

  • 266

ATLANTA, GA – It was an unusually slow day and second-year medical student Bryan Orlando bugged his inpatient medicine team for a new patient to work-up, eager to hone in his skills.  Annoyed by the constant pestering, the team spoke got a helpful tip from nursing and hooked Orlando up: the broken fax machine in the nurses station.

These are either skin tags or nipples

“Well, at least he’s diligent,” said charge nurse Amanda Baldwin, as she, several nurses, and Orlando’s medicine team watched him examine the fax machine with his stethoscope.  “Look, look, he’s listening for bowel sounds.”

Staff on the floor were initially distracted when Orlando peppered the broken fax machine with loads of questions to elicit as good a history as possible.  He even asked “¿Dolor?” in case the fax responded in Spanish.  It didn’t respond.  “I understand,” Orlando reassured the quiet fax machine.  He awkwardly gave it a pat.  “It’s hard to talk when you’re not feeling well.”

Orlando forgot to ask a sexual history.  He did conclude somehow that the fax machine was DNR.

He recorded vital signs – room temperature, BP 0/0, HR 0, RR 0, and SaO2 0% – and shook his head: “I’m worried you’re septic.  Or worse: dead.”  Orlando worked through the physical exam – appropriately draping the fax to preserve modesty in front of other electronics – including a rectal exam.  Stool guaiac was negative.  Everyone looked on in horror; the machine was now covered in a glistening sheen of K-Y Jelly.  Three hours had passed.

“Ummm… What do you think?” asked Corey Benson, Orlando’s senior medicine resident, at a loss for words.  Just like everyone else.

“Still’s disease,” replied Orlando.  “I’m not positive and I’ll have to read up on it more.  But yes, Still’s disease.”

In other news, the unit secretary is on the phone with IT.  IT wasn’t the only one puzzled: “What do you mean, the fax is broken and covered in lubricant?”

  • Show Comments

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

You May Also Like

blinded by beauty

Patient Permanently Blinded by Beauty, Ophthalmology Confirms

69SharesATLANTA, GA – In the emergency room (ER), Emory ophthalmologist Sebastian Fovea confirmed the diagnosis ...

Old Man Tired of Giving Medical History

137SharesGOSHEN, MI – A local man with multiple medical problems decided to tape record ...

Local Trauma Centers Overwhelmed Following Mario Kart Pile Up on Rainbow Road

186SharesMARIO CIRCUIT, WII – Nearby trauma centers struggled to effectively administer life-saving treatment to the victims ...

Hospital with Low Survivability Submits Plans for New Employee Draft

43SharesDELAWARE – Recent published reports state morbidity and mortality rates are absolutely atrocious for ...