Endangered VA System Named 60th U.S. National Park

WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to preserve one of the United States’ most endangered areas for future generations, President Obama signed a law making the Veterans Health Administration (VA) the 60th National Park in the National Park Service system.

VA, National Park
“There! In the distance! I think I see a a Pyxis!”

“The park is a sanctuary for veterans and providers,” says Rep. Rocky Sequoia (R-Arizona).  “It’s worthy of national park status for our children and children’s children to enjoy.”

Back in the 1930s, the VA was a healthy temperate ecosystem.  It was lush and full of veterans and numerous species of healthcare providers.  Today, the VA is one of the last unexplored and truly wild frontiers in American healthcare.  Over the past few years, veterans and providers have tried to navigate the Great Unknown, only to perish due to the lack of water, food, and care.

“It’s a jungle,” comments nurse Bryce Kenai, carving out notes by candlelight.  “After dinner time, you’re on your own.”

After the Great Failure at the Arizona VA in May 2014, the federal government has realized it is their duty to “not treat our veterans and providers like sh*t.”

At its peak, the VA was filled with spectacular artificially-lit scenery.  Patients could be spotted in herds of four, easily spotted by their open-backed johnnies.  The anxious brown-nosed students would move with their distinctive fast-shuffling gaits.  The baggy-eyed interns could be spotted sleeping during lectures.  Radiologists could be seen hedging in the hedges.  If truly lucky, one would be able to spot a surgical attending in the distance, though these have always been rare sightings.

One of the most beautiful sights at the VA to this day is known as the Great Migration.  Every weekday at 16:00 hours, there is a mass exodus of all working creatures out the park’s main entrance.  The Great Migration has always been a must-see for serious photographers.

“It blows the Serengeti out of the water,” says National Park ranger Joshua Biscayne.

The federal government and the National Park System believe that the creation of the Veterans Health Administration National Park is one step closer towards the goals of increasing tourism and reestablishing care for the American veteran, in that order respectively.

Many deaths have occurred near Elevator Shaft Lookout, The Corridors, Endoscopy Cliffs, Gift Shop Mountain, and Phlebotomy Falls, so please exercise caution.

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