Charmin Profits As July Interns Sh*t Themselves

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GREEN BAY, WI – Proctor & Gamble’s toilet paper brand Charmin expects to see profits soar throughout July as new interns flood hospitals in a blazing mess of ineptitude and start sh*tting themselves with reckless abandon.

“Ok, so I have no idea what’s going on with this patient, stay cool, stay cool… Ok, so I just crapped my pants, stay cool, stay cool… I think it’s going down my leg, stay cool…”

“The sales curve is typically flat and consistent during the calendar year,” explained Charmin spokesperson Murray Butts who “enjoyed his go” earlier this morning.  “But then July 1st hits, interns crap their pants when they realize what they have gotten themselves into, and we see a surge in sales and profits whose momentum carries us to the rest of the year.”

Statisticians say it is a very predictable pattern every year.  Medical school graduation brings increased rectal sphincter tone.  However, as July gets into full swing, interns see a drop in confidence coupled with a rise in uncontrolled work-related defecation, leading to record-setting summertime profits for the toilet paper (TP) industry (see Figure 1).

Charmin TP
Figure 1: Direct relationship between intern incontinence and TP profits

“While certainly it is a difficult time for interns as they make the large transition from student to doctor,” continued Butts, “it is fantastic for our industry and ultimately the American economy as a whole.”

What causes interns to sh*t themselves?  The better question is what doesn’t cause interns to sh*t themselves?  A GomerBlog poll of June interns revealed that the only thing that doesn’t make interns sh*t themselves is drinking a lukewarm glass of water, but not even that is guaranteed.  According to the same poll, 50% of the TP is used to wipe one’s bottom while the other 50% is used to wipe stains out of underwear and other clothing.

Furthermore, this is the first year that the Accreditation Council for Graduate Medical Education (ACGME) has mandated that intern orientations include a primer on fear-related bowel incontinence (FRBI) as well as several free rolls of toilet paper for “emergency situations.”

“I already sh*t myself when they handed me my pager,” said July intern Colin Leeks, who just changed into a fresh pair of underwear.  “One roll of TP and one pair of boxers already gone and done.  This is going to be one long year.”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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