• 2.8K

ROCKFORD, IL – Fresh-faced July intern Becky Anderson proved to be the most crucial health care provider present during a cardiopulmonary arrest called at approximately 8 PM last night on one of the floors at Rockford Medical Center.  Anderson not only stood there helplessly, but also whimpered quite loudly while sucking her thumb.

intern thumb sucking
Standard intern appearance at a code

“She ran down the hall like a glorious ball of fury and ineptitude,” said unit secretary Todd Wilson.  “She was muttering, ‘Why me, why me, why me!’ tears streaming down her face.  Objects were spilling from her pockets left and right.  When I saw that, I thought to myself confidently, this is the person who will guide us.”

“Anderson was the first to respond and took charge the moment she put on gloves and stood in the corner praying for others to arrive,” said nurse Joseph Bernstein, who called the code last night.  “Other than the frequent sounds of her thumbsucking and hyperventilating, she did a phenomenal job staying invisible.”

Though the ICU team comprised of seasoned nurses, physicians, respiratory therapists, and pharmacists responded moments later, Anderson was the first, absolute first health care practitioner to look pale and diaphoretic.  The ICU team initiated CPR; Anderson rose to the occasion by fumbling through her papers and giving herself a paper cut.  The ICU team placed both central and arterial lines; Anderson stepped up and offered some gauze.

“When the monitor revealed ventricular fibrillation, Becky didn’t hesitate to pee herself,” explained charge nurse Elaine Jones while the janitor mopped up the impressive puddle of urine staining the floor.  “Her incontinence was very decisive.  That’s what we needed at that moment in time.  That patient survived because of Becky.”

After the patient was stabilized, an ECG was obtained that Anderson interpreted as “Ummm…”  A chest X-ray noted “maybe something over here… or maybe not… well, actually… you know what, I’m not sure.”  An ABG was consistent with “Oh boy, that’s bad, right?”  The patient was whisked over to the ICU for further evaluation and management.  Thankfully, the patient is doing well this morning and hopes to be extubated.

Anderson was not the only July intern who stepped up big time last night.  Five minutes into the code, fellow July intern Thomas Spencer arrived and was quick to offer nothing.  He gloved up as fast as he could before standing next to Anderson in stunned befuddlement, offering the ICU team encouraging words of silence.

“The two of them were studying their ACLS pocket reference guides intensely, as if they were written in sanskrit,” said Bernstein with a smile.  “What can I say about these kids?  These are the sharpest July interns I have ever met.  Imagine if we had some clueless interns show up to the code.  What a mess that would’ve been!”  GomerBlog reached out to Anderson and Spencer for comment, but they are currently hiding in a supply closet somewhere.

  • 2.8K
Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.