HERSHEY, PA – After an exhaustive search spanning decades, the nation’s leading dentists have finally identified the ever-elusive sweet tooth, localizing it to Tooth 32 in the bottom right quadrant.
“To the lover of sweets out there who always blamed their insatiable affliction on a sweet tooth, you were right,” said spokesperson Jonathan Tusk of the American Dental Association (ADA) at a press conference this morning flanked by a giant Oral B toothbrush mascot to his left and Her Majesty, The Tooth Fairy, to his right. “The sweet tooth is Tooth 32, the third molar of the right lower jaw.” The press erupted into a frenzy. The Tooth Fairy burst into tears of joy. The Oral B toothbrush rubbed its bristles on everyone, unable to contain its excitement.
The age-old adage has always been to blame a craving for sweets on a make-believe sweet tooth, thereby justifying the consumption of two Cinnabons. But deep down inside, beneath the numerous glycosylated layers of the obese human body, sugar addicts knew this just was a psychological ploy. But now, to have a physical sweet tooth on which to lay the blame? That’s a game changer.
There are, of course, naysayers. The major argument comes from people who have had all four wisdom teeth pulled but still have a craving for sweets. So what gives?
“Tooth 32 ain’t a wisdom tooth for nothing,” explained world-renowned tooth expert, Her Majesty, The Tooth Fairy. “It knows it’s going to get yanked out at some point, so it hatches a plan early, wisely. By the time it’s extracted, its sweet but evil ways have already metastasized to the rest of the human body. Though the tooth is physically gone, the sweet cravings forever persist.”
Towards the end of the press conference, Tusk suggested that the other wisdom teeth (Teeth 1, 16, and 17) might be a Sour Tooth, Salty Tooth, and Bitter Tooth. Tusk even suggested that the Salty Tooth might be linked in a reflex arc to the Meat Sweats.
Finally, Her Majesty, The Tooth Fairy, was pummeled with questions regarding the low reimbursement rate on the average tooth in 2015. But she remained firm, insisting that the invisible hand of the free market should decide that.