ATLANTA, GA – In exciting news today, patient Arnold Starks has announced that later today he will yank out his Foley with “full force and maximum torque” and absolutely looks forward to the horrific bleeding that will ensue.
“It just seems like a good idea that when there’s an invasive catheter in your body to not just tug on it but rip it out with reckless abandon,” reasoned Starks, gesturing towards his Foley catheter. “Why have a trained medical professional deflate the balloon and gently pull it out when I can leave it inflated and just do something like this?” He illustrates with an aggressive gesture, as if starting a lawnmower with anger. “Only good can come of this.”
Starks’ nurses and physicians disagree but respect his decision as he does have medical-decision making capacity and appreciate the forewarning. They’re just happy that he’s mentioned nothing yet regarding his PICC or rectal tube.
“I hear what they’re saying,” explained Starks, getting a good two-hand grip onto his Foley. “Just the thought of causing immense trauma to my genitals and profusely shooting out blood from my penis… I mean, am I not the only one who’s curious? You know when you have a Band-Aid and there’s the thrill of just pulling it off in one quick motion? Same thing. I mean, how bad of a bloodbath can it be really, right? Right? It’s just a Foley. In my penis.”
Neither the medical staff nor GomerBlog have been informed by Starks when he plans to execute his ill-advised maneuver. However, his team stands ready. His internist is ready and waiting with a blood consent. Nursing has a ton of gauze. The on-call urologist is looking over their shoulders. Other men, women, and children have been instructed to look away. Most importantly, environmental services personnel are manned with their super-absorbent mops.