HOUSTON, TX – America’s number one trusted brand for contraception made a bold leap into the medical field today with the launch of Foley Magnum for men.  As most people know, the Magnum style of Trojan condoms is designed to provide protection for men on the larger end of the spectrum in their nether-regions.  The new catheter kit comes with a standard Foley catheter that is now 2 feet longer, a large wristband that says “Magnum” for the patient to wear, as well as an alert in the electronic health record (EHR) marking the patient as “Magnum” status.

“These new catheters have really improved patient care and satisfaction,” states Trojan representative Ron Jenkins.

Nursing reviews on the new kits have been mixed.

“I mean I guess it’s made things a little smoother around here,” said Ashley Jackson, seasoned floor nurse.  “I haven’t seen a patient need that two feet of length or anything and it is annoying dealing with all that extra tubing.  On the other hand, once I slap on the ‘Magnum’ bracelet, call lights and pain scales seem to go down.”

“Most young male patients I have are very apprehensive about needing a urinary catheter,” states Molly Jordan, RN.  “Once I offer the Magnum model though, most lean back, give a half smile and agree to proceed.  They then typically say ‘thanks’ for finding ‘their size.”

Saint Louis Hospital CEO Rob Noud reports, “Press Ganey scores from our male patients have been steadily climbing since implementing the new catheters.  Of course, being someone who would also have to use the catheter based on anatomical considerations, I fully endorse its continued use in our hospital.”

Below are some excerpts from patient reviews:

It’s nice to know that someone is thinking about those of us with special differences.  It really makes me feel like my care is tailored to my needs. – Dale McKinney, construction worker.

I’m never taking my wristband off!  You know, kind of like those diabetes bracelets, it lets people know they’re dealing with a Magnum before going down there in an emergency. Chad Brosky, college student.

Trojan has since pulled the less popular Cadet models for the modest gentleman from hospitals everywhere due to dismal reviews.

Dr. Feelgood
Dr. Feelgood is a neurosurgeon in training who makes his patients feel good with some Colombian bam-bam and subsequently clips their ruptured aneurysms. Post op, he makes every one feel alright with the IV hydromorphone and by of course reading his Gomerblog articles and personal blog. He also plays recordings of his college band for patient's and their families in hopes that one of them will encourage him to quit and "get the guys back together." Sadly, this hasn't happened yet.