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isolation gown
Wow, that’s one huge Contact Precautions sign

If you’ve never done it before, putting on a contact isolation gown can be quite tricky.  It might be easier to put on a straitjacket.  Here’s our step-by-step guide, walking you through each step and what you should be thinking.

STEP 1: “F**k!  Why’s the patient in isolation?”
Good question.  We’re not sure either.  Nobody knows.  Hope it isn’t Pseudomonas or C. diff or some sh*t like that.

STEP 2: “Where are the gowns?”
You’d think there’d be gowns by the patient’s door.  Hahaha!  Hilarious!  (Stupid effing gowns.)

STEP 3: “Can I pull him off isolation?”
No, you can’t.  Man up, go to a supply room, and find a gown.

STEP 4: “Woohoo, I found one!”
It’s about time.  Now briefly ponder how much an isolation gown costs and how many trees were slaughtered to make one.

STEP 5: “WTF, how the hell do I put this on?”
F**k if we know!  Every time, we end up putting our arms through the neck hole.  Every time!  And don’t get us started on…

STEP 6: “Damn it, that tie thingie ripped!”
…That stupid tie?  It always freaking rips!  Why?  Repeat after me: “Piece.  Of.  Sh*t.”

STEP 7: “Ugh, I need a new gown.”
Ugh is right.  Isolation gowns are flimsier than contact precautions stethoscopes.  Maybe there’s a Dior isolation ballroom gown lying around?

STEP 8: “Darn it, I ripped the second gown!”
As if you’re surprised.  You knew that was going to happen.  Remember that phrase we asked you to repeat?

STEP 9: “F**k you, gown!”
That’s the spirit!  Screw the gown!  Screw contact precautions!  Crumple it up and throw it at a passing student.  Put on some gloves and be “extra careful” in that room.  That’s what we call superior sterile technique.

STEP 10: “Now can I pull him off isolation?”
Of course!  Why didn’t you do that earlier?

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.