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WASHINGTON, DC – In breaking news, Gomerblog has received word today that the Surgeon General of the United States Vivek Murthy has consulted the Hospitalist General of the United States Amanda Jackson for medical management.

Surgeon General, Hospitalist General
“Are you the Hospitalist General? Great, I have a consult…”

According to Murthy, who is the leading spokesperson for the public health in the United States, he “no longer felt comfortable managing the public’s hypertension, diabetes, and obesity” and really felt it would be “prudent and necessary” to have the Hospitalist General “on board.”  Surgeon General Murthy also asked Hospitalist General Jackson if the public was “cleared for surgery.”  Murthy admitted he looks forward to not getting paged about stuff like constipation and nausea.

One of Murthy’s most notable achievements took place earlier this year when he sent a letter to every physician in the U.S. asking them to help solve the problem of opioid addiction.  Ultimately, Murthy wised up and consulted the Pain Service General to manage the public’s pain.

It appears Murthy wised up once more.

This may be news to many Americans, but many aren’t privy to the fact Surgeon Generals tend to consult Hospitalist Generals, even if the public has no medical problems or their medical problems are stable.  However, the country’s first Surgeon General John Woodworth, who held the office from 1837 to 1879, consulted Hospitalist General Eric Robinson for a very legitimate issue: the medical management of cholera.  Ultimately, Robinson turfed the consult to the Infectious Diseases General.

Health care providers are surprised by Murthy’s consult for a different reason.  “What is the most striking,” explained spokesperson for the American College of Surgeons Denise Warshaw, “is that the Hospitalist General wasn’t consulted the moment our Surgeon General took office back in 2014.”

When asked what time Surgeon General Murthy consulted Hospitalist General Jackson, Murthy replied nonchalantly “6 PM.”  We reached out to Jackson for comment, who replied that she “looks forward to restarting the public’s home medications.”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.
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